win a night with a baby warthog!

let’s talk anatomical development! ramona’s mucus membranes are starting to mature, which means she is producing mucus. lovely, huh? but that also means that she has all this snot & she doesn’t know what the fuck to do with it. it was kind of cute at first, because it just made her snore these adorableContinue reading “win a night with a baby warthog!”

bumpwatch terror alert: week 31

i’m still a little behind, but this is the most recent pregnancy photo, from last weekend: yesterday was thanksgiving. i had to go to the hospital & get some labwork done. specifically, i had to drop off a great big jug of pee (the look on jared’s face when i explained that it had toContinue reading “bumpwatch terror alert: week 31”

i don’t know how to insure my child

needless to say, i have been gobbling up the parenting books in the past few months. some are funny, some are helpful, some are just obnoxious. some make me realize how many little things i haven’t even stopped to consider when it comes to this whole parenthood lark. the book i am reading right nowContinue reading “i don’t know how to insure my child”

bumpwatch terror alert: week 19

front view: i’m almost to the halfway point! only a week to go! word on the street is that i now look “unmistakably pregnant”. that’s a quote from my therapist. it was cool to hear, but it was also kind of like, “oh, i really did maybe just look questionably fat before.” not that there’sContinue reading “bumpwatch terror alert: week 19”

i wouldn’t force this pregnancy stuff on my worst enemy

despite all my clever jokes, the pregnancy is definitely taking a turn for the uncomfortable & potentially worrisome. on sunday, i hit the pool hardcore while jared stayed home & did research. i usually try to do sixty laps at the pool, but my last session had been truncated by lightning, so i decided toContinue reading “i wouldn’t force this pregnancy stuff on my worst enemy”

i got 99 problems but the baby ain’t really one

when i had the nuchal translucency test done last week, the nurse told me they would have results in ten to fourteen days. but they called me back on tuesday morning–five days later, including a weekend–& told me that everything had come back 100% normal. my finger hadn’t even finished healing from the blood drawContinue reading “i got 99 problems but the baby ain’t really one”

what we talk about when we talk about the bulk bins at the hippie grocery store

jared wanted to go to the hippie grocery store the other day to buy pumpkin seeds so he could make homemade granola. i know, right? i probably don’t need to explain that this is the same dude who won me over to cast-iron. i had been skeptical of anything that a) you can’t clean withContinue reading “what we talk about when we talk about the bulk bins at the hippie grocery store”

the existential crisis prompted by filthy lucre

so, last week i talked jared into driving us to topeka to bask in the wonders of the baby industrial complex that is babies r’ us. but wouldn’t you know it? as soon as we pulled off the highway & into the city, the car started making this awful clunking noise & kind of shudderingContinue reading “the existential crisis prompted by filthy lucre”

on being a spinster

i am really starting to find it tedious when people ask me what my knuckle tattoos say (“spinster”) & then they gesture toward jared & say something witty like, “well, not anymore.” excuse me? are jared & i married? did we secretly get married & i just forgot about it? also, do you think that’sContinue reading “on being a spinster”

does this sound like prenatal depression?

maybe this will sound weird or ungrateful or something, but i think i have prenatal depression. the thrill of finally being pregnant wore off really quickly, & at first i thought it was being replaced by the panic of having to rustle up some funds to turn my house into a baby safe haven (auxiliaryContinue reading “does this sound like prenatal depression?”