Vogue Patterns, summer 2018

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Vogue Patterns has released their summer collection! I always kind of love Vogue because the patterns are a little more interesting & intriguing, from a construction perspective, than a lot of what is out there. But every collection is also always just a little bit batshit. Let’s go to the tape:

Make this look for Halloween. Tell everyone you’re dressed as a badminton net.

This is giving me sexy Mennonite vibes. Imagine it with the little white bonnet. Perfection.

A chic look for your next pelvic exam.

Two words:

Try it with contrasting underwear. Really push the limits of those public indecency laws.

There’s zero chance that one of those ties isn’t going to fall into the toilet the first time you try to use the bathroom in this thing. & every time thereafter.

All the glamour of a broken neck, with none of the traction!

This isn’t interesting enough to drag, but I do have questions about those lapels (?), & the choice of a tangerine manicure with a plum dress. A rainbow of fruit!

I kind of like this design, but the stripe placement across the bust makes her breasts look like they are peeking at the neighbors through the Venetian blinds.

I remember when this was originally sold as part of Fashion Bug’s prom 1989 collection.

For when your breasts require an old-time-y mustache disguise.

Honestly not a bad design, & the fabric doubles as a Magic Eye poster for when you get super-high!

Category is: slutty Easter pinafore realness!

What Sporty Spice might wear upon transitioning into life as a four-martini lunch Kensington housewife.

My grandmother 100% had this outfit. She also got drunk in her RV in the driveway while watching “The Price is Right” every day.

Summertime: when you just want to drape yourself in fifteen yards of unnecessary fabric.

Upcycle your Aunt Sherry’s old couch into this easy, breezy two-piece!

Do your bridle at the sky-high expectations of those other sewing patterns, which expect you to be able to sew in a straight line & not leave unsightly puckers every two inches? Have we got the design for you!

Nothing says fun in the summer sun like a knock-off safari vest from K-Mart with built-in saddlebags!

For everyone who found Named Patterns’ Kielo dress too flattering.

Batgirl eleganza!

For those days when your breasts are just looking a little too perky.

She seriously looks like she’s wearing a little girl’s pinafore as a top. Which…no shade. That was totally how I dressed in high school.

In case you require a pattern for cutting a hole in a pillowcase & calling it a dress.

Just because you’re not pregnant doesn’t mean you can’t look the part!

This RTW swimsuit is working hard for its money. & the cover-up can double as a windshield sun cover!

Mother/daughter pimp hats.

The color combo here instantly made me think of:

15 Comments Add yours

  1. Lois Sovey says:

    You are a hoot! So funny. I kind of like number seven (Black with splotches). Ties in the toilet is spot on. Too funny.

    1. Ciara says:

      I kind of like #7 too, to be honest. But I already have so many untouched dress patterns, I don’t need another unless it’s TRULY unusual.

  2. Siobhan S says:

    Ok, you got me with the moustache comment. It’s funny how deftly Vogue straddle the line between designer fashion and the absolute WTF. Those 80s midriff/boob baring designs are utterly perplexing.

    1. Ciara says:

      I kind of like them though? I don’t know! I’m definitely planning to experiment with some bust-tie tops this spring/summer. It’s a feature I’ve used on swimsuits, & I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I have a pretty large bust, & I was like, okay, I really don’t need more bells & whistles drawing attention to the area, but it doesn’t look bad as long as the proportions are in check. I might try showing a little midriff & see what I think.

      But I do think designs like that are really “trendy” & probably not the smartest makes if you’re trying to sew pieces that you will reach for again & again as the years go by.

  3. dawn says:

    Oh my god, you’re so funny. You had me laughing out loud. A. Lot.

  4. Accordion3 says:

    I quite like the white blouse with tucks. It could work on me. Some of the other designs would be lovely on my stunning young adult daughter. But then, anything is stunning on her!

    1. Ciara says:

      I kind of like it too, but if I’m gonna sew something weird for weird’s sake (which I certainly do from time to time!), I’ll reach for one of the Oki Style Patterns I’m constantly eyeing first.

  5. Paulette says:

    What is it with the circa-1990 Laura Ashley style coming back? I’m hating it. Also those shorts are what my husband calls “skirt length” but I guess some guys like shorter shorts? But that’s why we sew, to improve the pattern we’re given right?

    1. Ciara says:

      Some guys do like a shorter length on their shorts…& I know I like it too on a fellow with a nice set of thighs! My partner has pretty great legs, I think he could make it work.

      I also don’t like the Laura Ashley look. It’s why I avoid ditsy/wallpaper-esque florals altogether, mostly. But especially florals combined with too-long skirts, a sweetheart neckline, off-the-shoulder…ugh. It’s like I’m trapped inside chapter 3 of any given Babysitters Club book in which Dawn is the narrator.

      1. kathleenbenitez says:

        That is a most excellent metaphor.

        1. Ciara says:

          I’m kind of a Babysitters Club expert, for what it’s worth. I’m 38 years old & I still own every book, including the “Babysitters Club Guide to Babysitting” & Ann M. Martin’s paperback bio.

  6. HeatherG says:

    You are so funny, and accurate!! What a horrible collection!

  7. hope says:

    The old couch model is having none of this.

    1. Ciara says:

      I almost never look at the models themselves because I am focused on the clothes, but now that you mention it, several of these models are like, “WTF am I wearing right now.”

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