I barely slept last night. I looked up election coverage after Ramona went to bed, expecting to wile away the evening enjoying a Hillary landslide. Obviously, that is not at all what happened. It’s just absolutely shocking. I know I live in a lefty bubble, being here in Lawrence, Kansas, but it absolutely blows my mind that so many people voted for hate: racism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia…It appears that Hillary did win the popular vote, which is some consolation, but it shouldn’t have even been close.
I cried for the first time since my cancer diagnosis. If the worst happens to me, this is the world I am leaving my daughter? She’s growing up in a country that has never had a female President, where women got the right to vote less than 100 years ago. She’s growing up in a country with a President who was caught on tape bragging about committing sexual assault! She’s too young to understand right now, but by the time the 2020 inauguration rolls around (assuming we still have a country then…assuming that we still have a world then & haven’t all been vaporized in a nuclear war over a Tweet), she’ll be eight. That’s old enough to follow the news & start developing political opinions. I remember that I was seven years old when I learned about abortion & decided that I support reproductive justice. This was my first little taste of realizing that some things affect women in unique ways, & that some people think we shouldn’t have the right to make our own decisions about our bodies. It was when I realized that I was a feminist. Reagan was President then. I just wanted more for my daughter.
Thankfully, she’s too young to understand what’s going on today. She has spent the morning sneaking up & tickling me, pretending to have sleepovers with her favorite toys, & learning about Eid al-Adha (a Muslim holiday). Right now she’s getting dressed to go play soccer in the yard.
The first part of my cancer treatment has been scheduled. I’ll be going in for a cold knife cone biopsy in mid-December. Hopefully this will provide us with all the staging information we need to move forward, & hopefully this cancer really was caught early. In the meantime, I am STILL recovering from getting sick last month. I’ve lost 15 pounds, I’m perpetually tired & dizzy, I have no appetite. & that means I STILL haven’t been doing any sewing. I did try to leave the house on Saturday, but I had to have Jared come pick me up because I wasn’t strong enough to do what I had intended to do (go to therapy) or walk home.
I have a lot of projects cut out & ready to be sewn, & I have all the supplies for some others. I really want to make myself a hooded denim jacket with faux-leather sleeves–an extra layer to wear that is a little more interesting than your standard hoodie. I want to make myself some more jeans, because the first pair I made myself are way too big now. I want to make a flannel shirt to wear over thermals, & I’m tempted to adapt my shorty overall pattern into an overall dress, even though I don’t tend to wear many dresses or skirts when the weather is chilly.
But mostly all I have been doing lately is reading & watching TV. I’ve blazed through several seasons of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” which I had never seen before. I watched the first season of “30 Rock,” which I had also never seen before. I haven’t had a TV in like twenty years, so there’s a lot of stuff I’ve missed. It makes me feel kind of shitty to watch so much TV, but I don’t have energy for much else.
Ramona’s birthday is at the end of the month. She’ll be four, & for the first time, she kinds of grasps the concept of a birthday. We’ve gone to several birthday parties since she started preschool, so she understands that a birthday party involves playing & cake. Therefore, she wants a birthday party. Unfortunately, she was born on the last day of November, which isn’t generally great weather for playing outside, & our house is way too small to host an indoor birthday party. There are various spaces available for rent around town: the indoor play center, the train depot, the gymnastics center at Rock Chalk Park, the nature center. But all are $100+, which is about $100+ more than we have to spare. Jared has floated a lot of interesting ideas, like organizing a scavenger hunt downtown, or covering the entire living room in butcher paper & letting the kids go crazy with tempera paint. It’s just a challenge to come up with something feasible that isn’t a ton of extra work for parents (since Ramona & her friends are not quite at an age that permits drop-off birthday parties).
I also had big plans for things I wanted to make for her birthday: pajamas, a new quilt, a big felt wall calendar like they have at her preschool. I’ll be lucky to just get to the pajamas at the rate I’m moving. I’ll have a second bite at the apple with Christmas just around the corner, but December is going to be difficult due to the biopsy (some people say they felt all better within a few days; others say it took them a full six weeks to heal) & because Jared’s family is all coming to Kansas to be with us. Which, don’t get me wrong, is a very good thing. Ramona can’t wait to see them, & I doubt I will be in any state to travel for Christmas so soon after the biopsy. But it will still be a lot of socializing & a disruption of my current heavy schedule of napping, panicking, & watching TV on the internet.
I hope everyone reading this is getting through the day all right. Ramona observed, “Today is not a fun day,” & even though she doesn’t have a sense of the geopolitics afoot, I can’t disagree with her observation. We are moving into a situation that feels downright apocalyptic in some ways. I’m just trying to remember what Joe Hill said (& what I had tattooed on my wrist 15 years ago): “Don’t mourn. Organize!” I’m still mourning a bit though.