February sixth

Today is my would-have-been due date with the pregnancy I miscarried in July. Last night I dreamt that I gave birth. Ramona was with me & snuggled with me during the labor. I was attended by my closest mom friend, who has had three miscarriages of her own. I woke up feeling a little bit sad, but also like the dream had helped me let go of a lot of the sadness & anger I have been carrying around for the last seven months. I feel much more at peace with the possibility of Ramona being an only child, with she, Jared, & I forming a perfectly balanced triangle family.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

2 thoughts on “February sixth

  1. Wow, that’s intense. I’m glad you’re making peace with it. I am still working on making peace with our own tripod family. I love our family dynamic and the flexibility we have with only one kid. But there is a part of me that gets really teary about Lilian not having a sibling. And I definitely get jealous/sad when I find out about friends who are having another baby.

    1. Yeah, I still have feels. At Ramona’s gymnastics class last week, a couple of parents showed up with a tiny week-old baby. It was five days after my due date, so of course I was thinking, “That should be MY baby!” It was kind of hard. But there are a lot of great things about having an only, & plus…she’s only three. I had a dream the other night that Jared & I wound up with three kids, all girls. Names & everything. Molly was born when Ramona was four & Sarah came along two years later. Even though Jared hates the name Molly & I am not wild about the name Sarah. It was kind of a nice dream though, & Ramona was a good older sister in it.

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