12:05pm—Check the mail & attempt to peruse the latest Hancock Fabrics circular. Attempt to wrestle it out of Ramona’s grip but we are equally matched in the strength department.
12:15pm—Ramona decides she is ready to go…to gymnastics class. Say, “I’m glad you’re excited, but class doesn’t start until next week!” Cue full-blown hysteria as Ramona thrashes around on the floor screaming about how she wants to go to gymnastics class.
12:20pm—Cuddle Ramona & talk to her about her feelings.
12:30pm—Take photo of Ramona losing her shit & post it to Instagram, because, why not?
12:45pm—Still cuddling, still trying to soothe Ramona. Finally decide to give up & call it lunchtime.
12:50pm—Make lunch as Ramona stands next to me, sobbing. Finally break through to her by giving her a tomato, which she eats like an apple.
1pm—Chug my coffee & hope my headache doesn’t turn into a migraine.
1:05pm—Figure out that Ramona’s latest sobs are because she wants me to sit at the table with her, but chose to express that by crying hysterically instead of telling me.
1:10pm—Convince Ramona that her sandwich does indeed have peanut butter & raspberry jam on it & is therefore not “gross”. She finally stops crying & eats, while peppering me with questions like, “What is the showerhead doing? What are Shirley’s toys doing?” (She self-identifies as “Shirley” right now.)
1:15pm—Use the Cookie Locator to find out where to buy Girl Scout cookies. No booths are listed in my zip code. Think, “This is total bullshit,” while also feeling like maybe it’s not the safest idea for there to be an internet app that leads people to young girls.
1:25pm—More people on Facebook freaking out about David Bowie & Alan Rickman. Really losing my patience with all this sturm und drang. One person exclaims, “What is the world coming to?!” as if people dying is somehow this cruel new thing that just started happening. Someone else says they don’t know how to “process” it. Not sure what there is to “process” about a 69-year-old you didn’t know dying of a terminal illness?
1:26pm—Decide I just need to get offline.
1:27pm—Make Ramona another sandwich. She must have a hollow sandwich leg.
1:35pm—Ramona demands to be taken upstairs & put in her crib. Praise Jeebus!
2pm—Naptime rituals complete. Download “Judge John Hodgman,” eat string cheese, & look for houses on Craig’s List. Am reminded that people are trying to turn the area around 19th & Massachusetts Streets into a thing. They call it “SoMa”. People are the worst.
2:45pm—Finish reading “Parents”. There’s an article on “how to stop saying no” in which a mom claims that she “always says yes to mud puddles!” What a fucking liar.
3pm—Order matching hoodies for the whole family. Go upstairs to check size on hoodie I’m replacing & smell poop. Take a time-out to change Ramona’s diaper again.
3:05pm—Wash hands & make Instant Breakfast. So much for eating healthier lunches.
3:15pm—Look up spring break flights to Key West because one of my closest friends works on a boat there & it would be cool to take a vacay & introduce her to Ramona. The cheapest flight would be nearly $2000 for the three of us & would take 20 hours one way. NOPE.
3:20pm—Take photos of the t-shirt I made for the January Monthly Stitch challenge.
3:30pm—Slowly meander around the house clearing away the most obvious layers of complete filth & grime.
3:35pm—Wrestle the cat to the ground to reclaim custody of the hair pins I use for my bun.
4:30pm—Jared is home. We chat a bit about our days while I sew a long-sleeved Renfrew tee. While wearing a long-sleeved Renfrew tee. With another long-sleeved Renfrew sitting on my sewing table to be worn as an outer layer when I go outside layer. Need more Renfrews!
5pm—Finish listening to “Judge John Hodgman,” which was about whether or not a person is permitted to request a mime at his funeral over his won’s wishes.
5:10pm—Finish my Renfrew while Jared brings Ramona downstairs from her nap. That kid slept like a log after all her gymnastics & sobbing.
5:20pm—Fall down some random internet rabbit hole about whooping cough.
5:30pm—Consider dry shampooing the cat. She smells so terrible all the time.
5:35pm—Dry shampoo the cat. The process was much soggier than I anticipated.
5:40pm—Leave for therapy. Mostly talk about social anxiety.
7pm—Come home & eat dinner with Jared & Ramona. Jared made pasta carbonara, but Ramona riots & demands yogurt & applesauce.
7:30pm—Brush Ramona’s teeth. She spits all over me & it’s beyond gross.
7:45pm—Wash dishes while listening to the TERF (trans-exclusive radical feminists) episode of “Stuff Mom Never Told You”. It’s true that my mom never told me anything about TERFs.
8:15pm—Ramona’s bedtime routine. Milk, songs, kisses, escape.
8:40pm—Brush teeth & put on jammies. Pour tall, delicious glass of milk.
8:42pm—Laugh at the cat, who still looks all rumpled from her dry shampoo. She smells a lot better though.
8:45pm—Listen to Ramona up in her room calling, “Daddy? I want a hug! Daddy!” Jared decides he can’t resist & goes up to hug her, even though she’s clearly just stalling on bedtime.
8:46pm—Fall down internet rabbit hole about circus freaks. So much for my “no more internet rabbit holes” New Year’s resolution.
9pm—Ogle various Art Gallery knits, even though they’re expensive, I’ve hit my fabric budget for the month, & there’s kind of a limit to how many knit dresses one person needs…Or is there…?
9:10pm—Realize Jared is eating a dessert made of yogurt, blueberries, & maple syrup. Feel morally inferior to him.
9:11pm—Jared starts brainstorming ways for us to get to Key West. Him: “If we can find a cheap flight to Miami, it’s only a three-hour drive to Key West.” Me: “Yeah, but it’s a three-hour drive on a terrifying causeway in the middle of the ocean.” Him: “We could fly to Havana & get a boat. It’s a lot less scary to be on a boat in the ocean than in a car.” Me: “No thanks, Tom Hanks.”
9:20pm—Email a friend of a friend whose daughter is a Girl Scout to see about buying cookies.
9:30pm—Fall down an internet rabbit hole of designing my own family crest. Decide our family motto is “you smell” & our icon animal is a turtle, representing invulnerability (& slowness). Alternate motto: “tu cum olfacies sicut simia,” which is Latin for “you smell like a monkey”.
9:45pm—Worry that Girl Scouts are a cult & I am enabling them by purchasing cookies. Even though I was a Girl Scout & I just remember being a huge nerd that wanted to go identify some leaves & earn my leaf identification badge or whatever.
10pm—Argue with Jared about all the pillows on the couch. There are so many damn pillows on the couch, there is no room for people. & yet, if there were fewer, I would feel sad.
10:05pm—Panic that the blue light emanating from my computer will ruin my sleep cycles & turn off my computer. Jared: “But what if someone says something funny on Facebook?!” Me: “They won’t. Trust me.”
10:10pm—Tire of the constant cat attacks & retreat upstairs to the bedroom.
10:20pm—Fall off the bed. I don’t know how this happens.
11pm—Lights out, night night.