sorry i haven’t been posting much lately. pretty much all i’ve been doing lately is sleeping, reading about miscarriages online, & trying to pull the house into some kind of condition for moving. we move a week from tomorrow. i feel like i shouldn’t complain about the timing because, you know, it could be worse. what if i had the miscarriage DURING the move? that would be awful. or if it happened right after we moved, so then the new house was tainted by this completely shitty thing that happened there as soon as we moved in.
but so much of what i need emotionally is to just rest & feel like i have some oasis of calm in my life, even if it’s just during ramona’s naps or whatever. & it’s impossible to feel that way when i live in a tiny house that is crammed floor to ceiling with packed & half-packed boxes. there’s no restful place for me to place my eyes. whenever i try to sleep or lay down to replenish my energy, i start thinking about all the packing that is left to do.
jared has been making some pointed comments about how i haven’t been very helpful with going out to get boxes. i did try once, but the liquor store only had three empty boxes for me. sometimes you get lucky & they have more than will fit in your car, & sometimes they only have a couple. he’s been the main box-getter because he does more driving errands than i do (he does all the grocery shopping, & the grocery store is right next door to the liquor store), & also, you know, i’m having a miscarriage. although it has not been as physically taxing as some experiences friends have shared with me, i am still really tired, & sometimes i am in pain, & i am always, always crushingly sad. i don’t feel as miserable if jared &/or ramona are with me, but when jared is at school & ramona is napping, all i can think about is sad how i feel. feeling this way makes it hard to muster up the energy for even the basics: brushing my teeth, putting on non-pajamas. let alone anything bigger.
i had two blood tests last week, four days & seven day post-methotrexate. my HCG levels are dropping well. they’re going to keep testing me once a week until i’m back to zero, & then they’re going to schedule a colposcopy. that doesn’t really have anything to do with the miscarriage. just more awful medical stuff i have to deal with. if we want to actually try for another baby, we can start in october, as long as my cycle is back by then.
i keep waffling on whether or not i want to try. i tried SO HARD to get pregnant with ramona, & while obviously it worked eventually, it was still crazy-making & i still feel vaguely traumatized by it all. all the charting & timing & pills & tests & anxiety. i don’t want to do that again. i don’t want to turn into that crazy person. that’s part of why this pregnancy was so amazing: it was a complete accident! i didn’t even catch it until i was two & a half months along! out of the woods, i was presumptuous enough to think! but i know that even if we are casual about trying to get pregnant again, i will never be able to feel really relaxed about it because i will always be wondering if i will have another miscarriage.
jared says, let’s just not think about it right now. let’s just focus on the move. & i think, easy for you to say, you’re not the one bleeding & going in for tests. but yes, we are moving, & i am starting to feel a little bit excited about it. it will just be a big relief to start unpacking these boxes & arranging our new space. & i cannot WAIT for jared & me to have our own room! if i want to nap during ramona’s nap, i’ll be able to do it in my very own bed without being scared of waking her up. if jared is watching a baseball game in the evening & i want a quiet space to read, i’ll be able to just go to our room. i’ll be able to hide out while i’m sick without having to switch to the couch when it’s time for ramona to nap or go to bed!
plus, there’s always that weird thrill that comes with moving, the idea that somehow you will be a different, better person in a (hopefully) different, better space. a person who makes her bed every morning as soon as gets up, & never looks around at 4pm to find herself still in ratty pajamas from the night before. a person who dusts her ceiling fan more frequently than once every three years & owns more than one fitted sheet. yes, a lot of my fantasies of my better self are domestic in nature. but you know. maybe i will also magically become a person who goes to europe. somehow. not sure how we’d afford airfare & accommodations for the whole family, but we do all have passports. who knows what the future holds?