hey dudes, i’m having a miscarriage

my news: i was about ten weeks pregnant but am now having a miscarriage. so if this is something that you would find upsetting to read, skip the rest. here we go!

despite being so far along, i just found out i was pregnant last week. i had what i thought was a normal period at the end of may, but when my next period didn’t show up, i started panicking because i thought i was going into early perimenopause. it’s no secret that my hormones are kind of jacked up, which is why we had such a difficult time conceiving ramona. after the various interventions it took to get pregnant with her, the idea of getting pregnant by accident honestly never crossed my mind.

i decided i should take a pregnancy test anyway before i called my doctor in a panic, just to rule it out. imagine my shock when it was positive! i was literally shaking. i do eventually want to have another child, but you know. it’s still kind of a whirlwind of emotions when it happens by accident! i called jared at school, & he was like, “…okay. okay. two kids. okay. let’s do this thing.”

we talked it over & realized that, you know, the timing wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t too terrible either. i was due in early february, just a few months before jared is slated to defend his dissertation. we still have all of ramona’s outgrown baby stuff. all we’d need for a new baby was a crib, a car seat, a stroller that can fit two kids, & a car that can fit two car seats. obviously, these are big-ticket items, but still. not that big a deal.

i called the OB i used when i was pregnant with ramona to schedule a prenatal. she wouldn’t see me without making me take a blood test to “confirm the pregnancy”. i tried to explain that i had to already be eight or nine weeks along, & i had that weird false period bleeding episode, & that i’d prefer to just go straight to an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy or a molar pregnancy & make sure everything was okay. she refused, so i switched providers.

i had my first prenatal on wednesday. they confirmed the pregnancy with their own tests & the doctor said he would order an ultrasound to confirm dates. i asked if i should be worried about the bleeding episode & he said, “you haven’t had any bleeding since then?” “no,” i said. “no cramps?” “no,” i said. “then we can rest assured that there’s nothing going on that is a threat…to you.” i did not love how cavalier he was about the health of the fetus, but i decided i’d just switch to a different provider within the practice. we couldn’t do an ultrasound at that appointment because the tech was out for the day. i was very disappointed by this, but relieved that i finally had the prenatal process underway, already being nearly ten weeks pregnant.

the next day i had a tiny bit of spotting but chalked it up to having had a pap done the day before. then the spotting got heavier & bright red. i figured it was probably just because of the pap, because the cervix is so vascular & delicate during pregnancy. but still. i got tired of waiting for the OB’s office to call me back, so i had jared come home from school so i could go to the ER & get looked over. i expected them to confirm everything & tell me i was just over-reacting to normal spotting & to send me packing.

but when the ultrasound tech was very serious & taciturn & asked me a lot of questions like, “who told you you were pregnant?” i started to get very worried.

finally the doctor came in & told me my HGC level was only 1800. it should have been MUCH higher for as far along as i was. the sonogram showed a thickened endometrial lining but no gestational sac & certainly no ten-week-old fetus. & meanwhile, the bleeding was getting heavier & heavier.

they gave me IV fluids to help with some of the blood loss & a rhogam shot, since my blood type is negative. the doctor was trying to convince me that maybe i am pregnant–maybe only three weeks or something! but unless it’s an immaculate conception, that’s just not a possibility. i know when i had sex & when i didn’t, & i knew i had to be at least ten weeks along.

so who knows what happened? maybe that weird bleeding episode at the end of may was my body’s attempt to start an early miscarriage & it didn’t work & my body kept acting like it was pregnant for another six weeks. the only silver lining is that i don’t have to worry about passing a ten-week-old fetus. but this still really sucks & i feel pretty shitty physically & i have to go into the doctor’s office again today for another blood test, even though all i want to do is lay on the couch & chat with ramona about animals or whatever.

we’re moving in 17 days. tomorrow is my birthday. i’ll be 36. we haven’t decided yet if we are actually going to start trying for a second kid once i am all recovered from this miscarriage & back to normal. i haven’t gone into detail here, but trying to find a provider that wasn’t a complete asshole was a real problem. my options for care are limited since ramona was delivered by cesarean. trying to plan my next birth made me realize that i am still really traumatized by that pregnancy & birth & i should probably work through that a little bit more before i worry about having another kid.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

8 thoughts on “hey dudes, i’m having a miscarriage

    1. thanks, me too. of course, it’s true that had i agreed to the blood test she wanted, that probably would have come back with numbers indicating a troubled pregnancy & we could have gotten the info that way too. but yeah, it would have been nice to know what was happening sooner rather than later.

      the latest update is that it’s not just a miscarriage. it’s an ectopic pregnancy that is miscarrying. i’m just very lucky that it miscarried naturally before doing any damage to me or my future reproductive abilities (as far as we know for now).

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