jared has decided to put a pin in plans to have another kid. apparently he’s just too freaked out about the time & money a kid requires. he says he feels that it would be a choice between a second kid & finishing his dissertation, because he doesn’t think he can finish his dissertation with a newborn in the house. i see his perspective, but i am still really sad. while we were talking, ramona came in & threw herself at my legs & said, “hug!” & that’s when i had to just leave the room & cry.
he said his ideal would be to wait until he has a job that offers paternity leave. obviously the idea of having him around to help out as much as possible with a newborn & a toddler sounds ideal to me as well. the problem is that it could be years before we’re in that position. or it could never happen, ever. or it could happen next year. who knows? the point is that waiting for the ideal means we run a very real risk of just never having another kid, & i don’t know if he finds that idea as devastating as i do, but i don’t feel great about it.
i also can’t figure out how dickish it is of me to think, “really? you’re treating this like a choice between having a child & having a career when you have me there to be a full-time stay-at-home parent? do you know how many people would love to have the free full-time child care you have?” probably at least a little bit dickish.
so. i am very sad, & looking at ramona just reminds me of how fleeting these little kid days are, & i can barely even look at jared. not because i’m mad. i’m just sad. & i don’t know how to make myself feel better. i guess it will just take a little time.
in the meantime, i guess i should sew. i can go ahead & tackle all those clothing projects i’ve had sitting on the back burner. i got a shipping notification telling me that the custom sewing table insert jared got me for christmas will be delivered on thursday. we still have to put a platform in the table, but i don’t think that will be too difficult. then i can set up my sewing area, & i’m really excited about that.
another weird element is that we still don’t know if we’re going to be in lawrence for another year (or more) or not. it all depends on whether or not jared is selected for a fellowship that has a residency requirement. i guess the upside of not having another kid right away is that we can just stay in this house, if we’re staying in lawrence. although i daydream constantly about having more space & a separate bedroom for ramona, the reality is that she seems to have more space to run around than a lot of kids with bigger houses, since we don’t restrict her to certain rooms or areas. & all of downtown is basically her yard, since we’re right there. & the price is right, & i don’t have to worry about cleaning a bigger house.
while i don’t love the super-hot summers & the giant spiders & the sub-standard selection of pizza, i actually really like lawrence & will be sad to leave. there are a few places where i’d be thrilled to live, but there are far more places that sound a whole lot worse than our current situation. i forget if i mentioned, when we were in boston over the holiday, i checked out a new-ish fabric & yarn shop there. &…it was really disappointing. altogether, it was maybe a quarter or a third the size of the fabric store here in lawrence, with a much more strictly “curated” selection. obviously the fabric store here has a lot of fabrics i never look twice at (a whole wall of batiks, for instance–i really don’t like batiks), but they also have a lot of stuff i love, & being able to touch the fabrics & match them against other fabrics makes fabric-shopping easier & more fun. they also have a fairly decent selection of apparel fabrics. there’s not a ton, but there’s a rack of voiles, a couple of racks of jersey, all kinds of lace, sequins, bemberg, wools, flannels galore, a whole bin of heavy wovens for coats, denim, corduroy…all kinds of stuff. there’s probably more apparel fabric to choose from than there were quilting fabrics at the store in boston. & they had maybe eight bolts of jersey, & that’s it for anything that could be considered apparel fabric.
i also haven’t mentioned this before, because i’m not a knitter, but there’s a yarn shop across the street from our fabric shop. it is cavernous & packed to the rafters with yarn. it’s definitely the biggest selection of yarn i’ve ever seen anywhere (not that i pay that much attention, not being a knitter), & i imagine that if i ever did get into knitting, i’d be in heaven, having such a large selection to see in person before i buy.
obviously you can get any kind of fabric or yarn you want online, in any one-horse town in the country. but it’s also so much more pleasing to be able to touch & see what you’re getting before you commit. i still haven’t sewed up those glittery knits i bought, probably because i never would have bought them if i’d had a chance to see them in person first. (luckily they were only like $4 for a 60″ wide yard.)
that is just one of, actually, quite a few things i will miss when we leave lawrence. i have started harboring a little fantasy of jared being hired to teach at haskell indian nations university or something, & us being able to buy a house in east lawrence & send ramona to the arts center for pre-school & have another kid with the doula discount offered for repeat families & be able to just build a life here instead of holding ourselves perpetually at an arm’s length because we always think we might be leaving in a few months. it’s been this way for a few years & it’s exhausting.