things are not so great

i don’t totally know why, but i am pretty depressed again. my disability reconsideration has now taken longer than the original review. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for me. it looks like they are not going to make me go see dr. incompetent again, which is a good thing. but i would like to have a decision (in my favor, obviously) so i can move on with my life.

one of the more frustrating aspects of all this shit is that i don’t have any health insurance right now. when i filled out the forms to continue receiving benefits during the appeals process, a form was filed wrong somewhere along the way & my medicare was terminated. i called medicare about it & they couldn’t help. i called the federal social security number & they were less than useless. i explained the whole saga, & the woman was all, “okay, let me look at your file…*beep boop beep*…when your case was reviewed, they decided you’re not disabled anymore! you don’t get medicare if you’re not disabled! that’s your problem right there!” thanks, genius. i really appreciate the way you listened to my conundrum & gave me relevant insight. for fuck’s sake. finally i called the local office & they were able to explain what happened & start the process of correcting it. i’m not sure if my benefits will be retroactive once they are reinstated, so i’m just trying not to get hit by a bus or anything. i already didn’t have prescription drug coverage, so i’m paying for my antidepressants out of pocket & nothing has changed there. my therapist told me she’ll wait to file claims on our sessions until the health care thing is sorted out, & i can keep paying my usual co-pay in the meantime. i wouldn’t be able to afford her services at full price. & then what? i don’t like to think about it.

the only thing that really takes me out of my head & makes me feel better is sewing (& sometimes hanging out with ramona). & that’s a bummer because sewing can get pretty expensive & that makes me think about how my sole source of income might get pulled out from under me & then i fall down the rabbit hole of anxiety & depression again.

i think the wellbutrin is working okay. i just wasn’t taking it consistently for a few weeks with all the traveling & upheaval. i really rely on my to-do lists for things like remembering to take it, & it was hard to find time to consult the lists while i was looking after ramona by myself. i was just focusing on keeping her happy & doing the stuff that obviously needed to get done (feeding us, trying to prevent the house from being condemned, etc). anyway, jared is back now, school starts again next week, & i am trying to get my shit together. it’s just hard when i feel like i’m living at the bottom of a well. & you know, if the fact of the matter is that the wellbutrin ISN’T working, that’s my own tough luck because i don’t have health insurance & can’t afford to see anyone about changing prescriptions!

so that is most of what’s going on with me. i feel bad because i have been pretty out of touch with people. i have a lot of FB messages & even a few emails (old school!) waiting for replies. some are actually months old. i simply have not had the mental energy to compose responses. i also have a box of unanswered letters & postcards. i’ve given up on ever answering them. thinking about them just makes me feel panicky so i’ve hidden them in the back of my desk & try not to think about them.

i was really testy & irritable the whole time david & alana were here. i feel bad because we only see them like twice a year, & they were ostensibly here to help me with ramona. they could have gone on a real vacation where they didn’t have to change any poop diapers, but they came here to pitch in (& hopefully also because they love ramona so much) & then i was having a crab attack every thirty seconds. it underscored for me yet again how poorly i handle changes to my routine. i often found myself thinking that i’d rather just do everything myself than have to deal with two extra adults in my house. even if those extra adults were cooking dinner & reading stories to my kid so i could nap or sew or balance my checkbook or whatever. it’s not super-surprising in light of how poorly i handle it when jared is on break from school or randomly decides to work from home one day, but due to the fact that it doesn’t make rational sense, i always find it surprising.

one of my mom friends was telling me about how her husband is applying for a new job that would enable him to work from home. i was like, “oh my god, aren’t you afraid you’ll murder him & everyone else you know, having him in your space all day?” & she was like, “no. it’ll be awesome. i’ll be able to, like, have a doctor’s appointment or leave the house occasionally while the baby is napping. it means more freedom for me!” interesting perspective. though another mom friend pointed out that most people with children don’t live in houses as small as mine. it’s probably a bit more tolerable to have your partner work from home if s/he has a home office or some other out of the way space to use.

for any sewers reading this (& having made it this far): do you have a favorite pattern for pants? i’ve not made any pants yet, but in keeping with my “why not try it?” point of view about sewing, i’d like to give it a whirl. my all-time favorite pants were straight leg mid-rise jeans from the gap. they fit perfectly. they have since been destroyed (i wore them to shreds) & would be too small for me now anyway, so i can’t trace off. & although the gap still sells straight leg jeans, they have a lower rise now, which i hate. i want to find something with enough rise that i don’t feel like my belly is hanging over my waistband, & enough flare in the leg that i’m not wearing skinny jeans, but not so much that they are boot cut. i also like pockets of a normal depth for keeping keys & shit in them. i’m not one of those ladies who is happy with a pocket that can accommodate nothing more than a lipstick. too much to ask?

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

4 thoughts on “things are not so great

  1. I’m sorry to hear that things have been rough for you lately. Your disability situation would stress anybody out. I can’t even imagine how tough it must be with the depression added in. My anxiety level would be at 11!

    I am probably not going to be sewing any of my own clothes anytime soon. I think I have a bunch of fabric in my stash that you could make better use of. It’s all in shambles right now (we’re doing some renovations in the bathroom up there), but as soon as I get all the plaster dust cleared away, I’ll go through and see if there’s anything I can pass along. 🙂

    1. yeah, my anxiety level is probably at like a 14 out of 10. this reconsideration has now taken like a month longer than the original review. is that a good thing? who knows? maybe it’s just a function of them having a lot of medical records to request, but they’re still going to “fail” me or whatever the phrase for this is. i think about it pretty much all day everyday & panic about every dime i spend, even though, you know. bills have to get paid regardless.

      i would be more than happy to take any fabric off your hands! i still have quite a stash of my own to sew through…i’ve been more into reading lately than sewing, & since i am obsessive about both, i struggle to give time to both.

  2. I’m finally pulling my sewing room back together, so I will see what I have amassed. I just realized I’ve been sewing for 13+ years! And I think I have some hoarding tendencies when it comes to fabric. :p

    1. i think everyone who sews finds themselves with insane amounts of fabric & no idea how it happened. i have two big tupperware bins full. some of it is earmarked for projects, but a lot of it is scraps & i don’t know what to do with them.

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