springtime blues

i finally sat down & made a list of all the things i want to sew in the next few months. i wound up with at least 25 things, maybe more! everything from a new sunbonnet for ramona to a new dress for myself to quilts to bags to notebook covers. i also want to work through some of the scraps in my bins. there’s no organization to any of it & it stresses me out to think about all that fabric just sitting there, purposeless. a lot of the projects i want to do can be cobbled together from scraps.

& of course i am nervous about spending money on new fabric & patterns when my disability review is still pending. so i’m going to just focus on the patterns & fabric i already have for a while.

it’s been a hard week. yesterday was my free morning. jared took ramona to the playground. sounds nice for me, right? i was sitting at my desk, making a little to-do list, & suddenly i just started crying & couldn’t stop. there’s no sense in asking why or what’s wrong because that’s just the nature of depression: there is no why. nothing necessarily has to be wrong. maybe there are triggers. this stupid review is REALLY not doing any favors to my mental health. as much as i keep telling myself that i’ve done my part & now i just have to sit back & await the decision, as much i try to remind myself that almost everyone who is reviewed is re-approved, it’s not really working. my mind just starts spiraling through all the worst-case scenarios of what me losing that money would mean. every time i have a little twinge of pain (which is constantly), i start thinking about losing my health insurance & would that would mean for me. i mean, obviously, without an income, i’d be eligible for medicaid, but still.

i try not to think about it. but i can’t help it. i tried not to write about it. but i also can’t help it.

i don’t know if ramona is picking up on my mood or getting another tooth or what, but she’s been unusually grumpy lately. she woke up this morning at 4am & has pretty much been crying off & on ever since. jared barely even said goodbye this morning because he was so tired & grumpy about being kept awake by the baby for half the night. yesterday he got up early to get a shower, & ramona woke up too & started SCREAMING in her crib, as if she were being torn apart by a bobcat or something. & jared couldn’t hear her because he was in the shower, so he wasn’t there to rescue me from her. she eventually laid back down & went to sleep, but by that point, i was wide awake. & since it’s ingrained in moms (or at least this mom) not to blame their babies for anything, i was kind of mad at jared. i was all, “stupid shower, not hearing the baby cry, how convenient, just leave it for me to deal with…” (our deal is that he handles ramona at night/in the morning). but you know. it’s not his fault. it’s extremely rare that she does that, & it’s not like he had any way of predicting it. so i’m not actually mad at him. it’s just one of those awkward situations where you feel like you have to be mad at someone, but you don’t want to be mad at yourself or at your baby, so someone innocent adult bystander gets the blame instead.

does anyone reading this embroider? i want to try it, but i’m not sure where to begin. advice welcome!

ramona is due for her nap in an hour, at which point i may have time to get started on one of my one million proposed sewing projects. so hopefully i will be able to share something a little more exciting soon!

& just in case anyone is keeping track at home, nope. ramona is still not walking. she’s just about 16 months old, gestationally (the age i use for these types of milestones). she is also still not standing independently, though she is getting better at remaining standing if i put her down standing. i put her down standing in front of the mirror the other day & she stood there giggling at her reflection for seriously like ten minutes. she also fully picks her walkers up off the floor & re-positions them to go around corners & avoid obstacles. every time she does that, i’m like, “WTF! you could totally walk if you wanted to! doing that is harder than just walking!” but i guess she doesn’t see it that way. my birthday is in a little less than two months. i’m really hoping that she’s walking by then.

jared said he was feeling so proud at the playground yesterday because ramona was climbing all the way to the top of the spiral slide (literally like twelve feet off the ground, including on section that is accessible only via a platform almost as tall as ramona, with nothing but a narrow bar to balance upon) & sliding down by herself. then a kid like half her size toddled by, actually walking, & he was like, “oh. that kid is like four months old & walking. never mind.” i know everyone says not to compare, but come on. this is getting a little ridiculous.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

4 thoughts on “springtime blues

  1. When he was a baby, my brother only walked when no one was watching. He liked being picked up and carried, I guess. But he would crawl and scoot around the house. My mom funally busted him when he was like, two and he knocked something over from a coffee table after he’d been left on his own momentarily. She she came back to check on him, he was twiddling awAy.

    1. you’re not the first person to suggest that maybe ramona is playing us for fools. the problem is that our house is so small, there is pretty much never a moment when she isn’t being observed. no, i think she’s just really taking her time with it.

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