a dispatch from the fog

yeah, i definitely seem to be depressed again. i had to go to the grocery store this morning, & when i got home, i just sat in the car for twenty minutes because i was so overwhelmed by the thought of taking ramona inside & then coming back out for the groceries, putting the groceries away, etc. i read something recently that described living with depression as “feeling like you’re looking at your life through a dirty window”. that is EXACTLY how i feel.

maybe i just need to clean my glasses, haha.

i don’t want to dwell on this too much. not much to say about it anyway. i’m hoping i’ll feel better this weekend, once my social security-mandated physical exam is behind me. having it hanging over my head is amazingly stressful, considering that there’s nothing whatsoever to be gained by worrying about it.

jared broke his finger the other day. playing soccer. i knew it was bad when he asked if i thought he should see a doctor. he could have bubonic plague & he’d be saying, “eh, i think it’s just seasonal allergies. i’ll be fine.” turns out the fracture is, like, on a joint. so he might have to have surgery to have some pins put in it so it heals properly. that PROBABLY won’t happen. they’re going to do some more x-rays next week & see how it’s looking. for now it’s all splinted up & we’re still figuring out how to make accommodations for all the stuff he does around here (evening dishes, ramona’s bath, all the cooking, various home-sprucing projects like installing the air conditioners)…especially because i’m in such a mental fog that it’s a miracle if i manage to brush my teeth.

& ramona was seen by a physical therapist today, to see if there’s any physical reason she’s not yet walking (she is now 15 & a half months gestationally, & 17 months actually). turns out she’s fine. just kind of a late bloomer. which i guess we knew. i think we’re going to end her occupational therapy because she is making tons of progress, especially in the last month. yesterday we had an impromptu playdate at the playground & ramona shocked me by climbing all the way to the op of the big kid spiral slide with no help whatsoever. & then sliding down. i knew she was good on stairs, but to get up there, she had to get on to a platform that can only be accessed by balancing on a metal bar that has previously been too high & scary for her. but this time she clambered right up. can’t say i was super-thrilled about this, as i then had to follow her to make sure she didn’t fall to her death. but it is pretty amazing to see her doing big things she couldn’t do even a few weeks ago.

in sewing news, i finally prepped some fabric i’ve had laying around since last week. that should have been a tip-off that i was starting to not be myself, depression-wise. since when do i buy fabric & then just not do anything with it for an entire week or more? but it’s all pre-washed now. i know i’m going to make a couple of dresses with some of it, but first, i think i will make a shirt using the same pattern i used for my bacon dress. i’ll just cut the skirt shorter to make it kind of a peplum. i couldn’t have thought i could work a peplum, but i think the bacon dress looks pretty good on me. i’m not sure i want to fuss with that collar again though, so i’m thinking of making the neckline more scooped & maybe doing a 60s-style tie. then again, i have some bookshelf print fabric i never used (i got all three colorways last year: i used the pink for a skirt for myself & a skirt & hat for ramona, & the plum for the quilt on my bed, but i never did anything with the blue) that could look really cute with a little peter pan collar. we’ll see. it’s a pretty simple pattern so i’ll probably just make both. i’m also eyeing the juniper blouse by colette patterns.

i just have to be honest with myself in that when the weather gets hot, i just want to wear something easy, & for some reason, i don’t really view any of the dresses i’ve made so far (except for the bacon dress–pattern is the miz mozelle by jamie christina) as “easy”. i still wear them a lot, but if i’m just lounging around the house, i usually put my pajamas back on, or put on jean shorts & a t-shirt. in part because i don’t want ramona yanking on the necklines, or getting gross baby stuff on them. but also in part because i see wearing a shirt & shorts/jeans as just “easier”. so i guess i should look into making myself some shirts!

if anyone who does garment-sewing is actually reading this: are there any basic shirt patterns out there that you really like? i want something without buttons (too much work, both to sew & to wear) & i’d prefer something that can be made in woven fabric, as i have yet to branch out into knits. i’m saving an exploration of knitwear for this winter when the weather gets colder. & who knows? maybe i’ll be pregnant then & have an extra reason to want to sew with stretchy, forgiving knits. we’ll see. it’s weird to me that i still want to have another kid, even though this mental fog i’m in makes the days with just ramona feel oppressively exhausting. she does bring me crazy amounts of joy. yesterday she sat on the couch for like an hour, saying, “uh oh! what’s that?” over & over. not only was it adorable, but it was also a pretty sophisticated string of words for a baby so young!

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

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