springtime = kind of scary

the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the weather is supposed to be unseasonably warm all week (almost 60 degrees tomorrow!). & it’s making me wicked anxious.

i thought about it for a while & figured out that springtime is a weird time for me. jared is really weird about springtime too & i used to get on his case about it, because, come on! springtime is awesome! the snow finally melts, you don’t have to spend 45 minutes putting on a thousand layers so you don’t freeze to death stepping outside to check the mail, everything feels all new & fresh. the only thing better than spring is fall, & part of the reason i love fall is because i still associate with the promise of new starts inspired by the school year. i just really love new beginnings.

but i feel weird about the spring. i realized that every spring for at least the last twelve years, maybe longer, i have experienced some kind of significant life upheaval. usually it was something good, or at least value-neutral. but it put my life on a different trajectory somehow. like, when i lived in boston, the boston skillshare was held every april. it was the culmination of an entire winter of working my ass off.

(& as an aside, i was thinking the other day about how i started the boston skillshare. i’ve told this story before, but: literally within a couple of weeks of moving to boston, i got involved with the boston radical cheerleaders & became good friends with one of the other women in the group. we lived a few blocks away from each other in somerville & started hanging out on the regular. i was like, “hey, last year i went to this weird skillshare thing at gilman st. maybe we could do something like that here,” & she was like, “that sounds cool,” & then we did it. the first boston skillshare happened less than a year after i moved to boston. it blows my mind that i just moved to a whole new city & did a huge project like that. i don’t see myself doing something like that now because i’d be too worried about stepping on toes or disrespecting people who had already been living in town & working on projects for a long time. i was either a lot more fearless or a lot more oblivious to etiquette when i was younger. maybe both.)

other things that happened in the spring: the start of a few significant relationships, including my relationship with jared (april 2007). finding out we were moving to lawrence (march 2009). getting pregnant with ramona (april 2012). these were all a pretty big deal, obviously. there were also smaller things that wound up being kind of significant: i got my own apartment, so i didn’t murder my roommates & spend the rest of my life in jail (march 2008). i moved to minneapolis for a few months (may 2005). i got really obsessed with sewing (april 2013).

mostly the big upheavals of spring have been surprises. i didn’t know that they were going to happen. which makes me wonder what this spring holds. i know we will start finding out which fellowships/grants (if any) jared is getting for the next school year, & that will help us decide if we’re going to be moving away from lawrence or staying put for another year. that’s a pretty big deal. i might be going crazy in a few months, desperately looking for an affordable apartment in some town i don’t know anything about. i might be feverishly trying to pack up an entire house full of crap with a baby underfoot. (well, i guess she’ll probably be a toddler by then. even worse!) i might be draining my savings account to pay for a moving truck & a security deposit. i might be staring down the barrel of moving to some random town where i don’t know anyone, i don’t know any other moms, i don’t know the layout of the grocery stores or the hours of the public pool or if there’s a good fabric shop…you know, all the weird, boring crap that affects my life.

but what if there is an even more unanticipated upheaval? i don’t want to think about it.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

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