sorry i don’t have a witty title

it’s not even 10pm & jared has already gone to bed for the night. we don’t usually go to bed until 10pm at the earliest & i just can’t force myself to go to bed any earlier, so i am left all alone, the last one awake in the house. ordinarily i would love this, but i’ve been in a weird mood lately & i don’t like it.

ramona & i went up to the university today & had lunch with jared. i never really visited him at work much in the past. KU is at the top of an enormous, ridiculously steep hill. i know, hills in kansas? i think this is the only one, but it’s major. & the building where jared works is this baffling labyrinth of interconnected stairwells. it’s set into the side of the hill, so supposedly he works on the first floor, but you have to go up several flights of stairs to get to it. once he asked me to meet him there because we were catching a ride into kansas city, & it was so confusing that i actually cried. i wonder if his students ever actually go to his office hours, or if they just get lost forever in the bowels of the building, never to be heard from again.

anyway, since i was with ramona & it was like 300% humidity, i drove to the university & we had lunch together in the student union. then jared led the way over to his office so we could say hello to people. ramona was dressed in a duck onesie, her pink bookshelf skirt, & the matching pink bookshelf bonnet i made from the same fabric. i didn’t get any photos, unfortunately, but trust me–she looked SO CUTE. a few people stopped in their tracks when they saw her & started cooing, “hi, sweetheart! oh, you are just the cutest thing i have ever seen!” not that looks are the only thing that matters. it’s really her intellectual achievements that set her apart from the crowd. but she’s also pretty cute.

she ate a bit of kiwi, a strawberry, & some sweet pepper for lunch.

it was really nice to visit jared at school/work. i am finally getting into this whole “partner of an academic” thing. i think the clothes help. when jared is teaching, he wears really fancy shoes & tailored, ironed button-downs. i have semi-secretly always thought that sort of look was very attractive on men, but i didn’t admit it to too many people because i was supposed to be all punk & stuff. i mean, the punk look (certain types) looks good on dudes too, don’t get me wrong. but there’s something to be said for a simple crewneck sweater & some slim-fitting pants sometimes.

but i am also taking a bit more of an interest in his work & it’s paying off. it’s nice to be able to have actual conversations about what he’s working on, so i can understand what he’s doing when he closes himself up in the library for two hours. i also started looking for jobs for him, & he is all about it. he says it’s awesome because if i see something i think he might be qualified for, it means it’s probably something he really is qualified for, & it’s exciting if i find two in a week. when he looks himself, he says it’s just depressing to see hundreds of job listings & only two he might be qualified for.

i don’t want to jinx it, but there was one listing that included the sentence, “a candidate accepted to this position will be required to live in cambridge, massachusetts.” um, where’s the downside? that one is so across the board perfect for us that it seems like too much to hope that he’d actually get it. but if you’re the superstitious type, just cross your fingers on our behalf. it would be such a dream come true to move back to boston. & we could leave as soon as june (!!!) if he got this one.

i was cataloguing all the different jobs/post-docs/fellowships he’s going for this year & talking about what it might be like to live in all these different places & jared finally had to say, “calm down. i’m probably not going to get anything & we’ll be in lawrence for another year.” lawrence really isn’t so bad, & of course our house is great…except that it only has one bedroom. ramona isn’t even ten months old yet & i am already sick of sharing a room with her. i really miss reading in bed before i go to sleep. she hasn’t figured out yet that she can roll out of her crib & crowd us in the bed, but it’s only a matter of time, & that’s going to be a whole other kind of annoying. i’m so jealous of people with extra bedrooms!

& as for my own projects…i have a teetering stack of unread books, magazines, zines, & other stuff on the end table by the couch. i have twenty books checked out of the library & i haven’t had time to read any of them. i just renewed one of my magazine subscriptions & then thought, “why am i doing this? i’m two issues behind already.” i originally planned to publish “ella funt” #2 in november, & i was hoping to photocopy it in october because that’s when the local UPS stores have their 3-cents-per-copy sales. but it’s not even written. issue #2 was going to be the birth story issue, but i am sick of thinking about it. i know i haven’t really recovered completely from the emotional trauma of ramona’s birth, but i am tired of dwelling on it. & i don’t want to fall into that trap of telling the scary, traumatic birth story that scares the shit out of pregnant ladies. but at the same time, i HATE hearing happy birth stories about healthy full-term babies born at home. yay for you. shut up. i mean, hopefully that will be me next time (maybe at a birth center), but still. shut up. i especially hate it when people are like, “what a strong mama, she pushed that big baby out with no meds!” you want to talk strong? try having your baby, who doesn’t even weigh five pounds, hooked up to a breathing machine. try leaving the hospital & knowing you are leaving your baby behind with strangers, hooked up to tubes & machines, & there’s nothing you can do about it. now do that every day for 24 days. shut the fuck up with your full-term healthy baby stories. i’m happy for you but i just don’t want to hear it.

right now my big time suck is a new quilt. it’s just a little baby quilt–kind of a vacation from some of the sewing i’ve done lately. it’s coming out so beautifully. i am really just in love with it, & i’m trying a new technique on the back that looks gorgeous so far. unfortunately, it’s not for ramona. i am just a little bit sad that i am making this beautiful thing for a baby that is not my own. but i’m still enjoying the process.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

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