feel free to hate me

just came off a nine-hour shift taking care of ramona. i shouldn’t complain. i now don’t need to do a lick of baby work (aside from putting away her laundry & pumping & washing bottles &…) until tomorrow at around 11am. because jared takes her in the evenings, she sleeps through the night, & jared wrangles her in the mornings. i know i’m lucky to have a partner that actually co-parents. i know i’m lucky to have a partner, full stop, really. (not because i’m such a horrible loser, but because i am trying to respect single parents. they are amazing.)

ramona is at an age where she is really fun when you’re in the mood for it. she’s engaged, she can be really funny, she’s unbearably cute. bu she also requires CONSTANT ATTENTION. if you attempt to put her down for a minute so you can, say, hydrate yourself or wash allergens out of your eyes, you are clearly a monster who will be punished with crying. she also sometimes reacts to her bottle with bursts of interest interspersed with an arched back & hysterical screaming. i’ve figured out that this usually means she’s over-tired (most of her annoying behavior can be traced to over-tiredness), but it’s still hard to deal with. because then she’s too hysterical to sleep, & even if she does sleep, she’ll be awake in fifteen minutes because she’s hungry.

yeah. so after my nine-hour baby shift, my brain is fried. all i can think about is going to bed. but i had the bright idea to wash he bedding because i was sick over he weekend, & the bed needs to be remade before i can get into it. & of course i couldn’t do it while i was taking care of ramona because she cried & screamed unless she was being held.

i made my zine just in the nick of time. i don’t think it would have happened if i’d waited even one more week. putting issue #2 together is going to be a real trick.

random stuff i’ve been thinking about:

* people are talking about how it’s the ten-year anniversary of the last episode of “buffy the vampire slayer” or the fifteenth anniversary of the “seinfeld” finale. really? what kind of a sick, sad world do we live in where people know when a TV show aired fifteen years ago? i don’t even remember who i was dating fifteen years ago.

* word on the street is that the way to spread he word about new zines you may have made is on tumblr. really? i’m 33. almost 34. i used to have a semi-secret tumblr, but i kept falling down these awful rabbit holes where i would look up & realize i spent three hours reading about some girl who thinks she’s “trans fat” (ie, a fat person trapped in a thin person’s body). obviously i don’t have time to waste like that now that i have a baby, plus the entire nature of tumblr (re-posting internet soundbites that other people posted first) is anathema to me. i once ended a friendship with someone because she quoted people too often. okay, & also she was a manipulative weirdo, but that was of a piece with the quoting (ie, “let me manipulate you into thinking i’m smart by quoting smart things other people have said”).

* it’s weird that you kind of have to have a social networking platform (facebook, tumblr, twitter, etc) in order to sell zines. i mean, obviously you don’t. i’m selling plenty & i’m not on tumblr or twitter. but people have suggested it, which is weird enough.

* sometimes i wonder what it would be like if jared & i had another baby. maybe we would learn that parenting isn’t as demanding as we though because we would just go ahead & let the baby cry? i mean, what choice do you have sometimes when you have more than one kid?

* all the parents of two-year-olds who don’t yet sleep through the night are reading this & saying, “YOU think parenting is demanding? fuck you fuck you fuck you & your nine-hour shifts!” sorry.

* ramona is going on a play date tomorrow. i’m already hoping that it consists of her being cute for ten minutes so the other parent will say, “aw, she’s so cute!” & then she’ll fall asleep. but maybe i’ll feel recharged & ready for baby shenanigans by the time he play date rolls around.

* i’m taking care of two foster kittens, i don’t know if i mentioned it here. no need to worry about a foster fail (ie, we adopt them) with these two. the one with the good personality is an orange tabby. i have a weird vendetta against orange tabbies. the one with the cute coloring has a rotten personality. by my standards. basically, he’s too playful. i don’t like that. the orange one is really lazy. that’s how cats should be. also the cute one tries to nurse on the orange one (they’re brothers) & i find it deeply disturbing. they’re going back to the humane society on sunday. hopefully our next foster will be a lazy female cow cat & i’ll adopt her & name her clawdia.

* the T on my computer only works half the time. it’s SUPER annoying.

* jared finished putting away ramona’s laundry while i wrote this. !!! boyfriend of he week!!!

* once, right after ramona was born, jared tried to praise me by calling me “mom of the week”. i was like, “of the week? wow. way to set the bar low.” he was like, “no, it’s a big accomplishment because you’ve only been a mom for two weeks,” but i was not buying it.

* an example of how sometimes i’m kind of a shitty person but i’m trying to own my shittiness by just admitting it: recently i was talking with someone i don’t really know at all & we were talking about zines. & she was, like, explaining to me what zines are. & then she started explaining what a distro is. & i was like, “i know, i make zines. & um, i used to run a distro.” & she was like, “really? wow! that’s so great!” & i just wanted to say, “i can’t believe you don’t know who i am.” i think that A LOT in reference to zine stuff.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

6 thoughts on “feel free to hate me

  1. Pretty sure I am a worse zine person than you. My zine is anonymous (which feels weak to begin with) so I haven’t had the “You don’t know who I am??” moment (would be horrified if they DID know), but when someone is new to zines & all excited about it, I just don’t care. Like I should be excited for them or enthusuastic or something, but I don’t feel it.

    1. oh, trust me. any enthusiasm i may have once had for witnessing that first blush of zine excitement is loooong extinguished.

  2. RE: Don’t you know who I am??
    I have the same thought, even though I’ve been out of the zine game for almost 10 years (!!) now. I should not have that thought anymore, it’s been so long since I’ve had any relevance, but STILL! My contribution was significant, dammit!

    1. i felt less an outraged “don’t you know who i am” & more a disappointed “i can’t believe you don’t know who i am”. i guess the zine scene is a lot bigger than i thought? my perspective is skewed because i only ever cared about a very specific kind of zine & never really even considered other kinds of zines to really be zines.

        1. technically, i think it’s only been eight years. you shut pander down in 2005, right? eight years is like the blink of an eye! (it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: