there are two hearts in my body. that is weird.

today was my first pre-natal appointment with my actual ob-gyn. there was good & there was a bad. the bad mostly involved sitting in the waiting room for 9000 years. they seriously didn’t call us in for all the weight/blood pressure stuff until 45 minutes after my scheduled appointment time–& i always try to schedule this stuff for early in the morning so i won’t get caught up in the backlog of patients. & then no one told me when i checked in that the doctor would request a urine sample. the nurse mentioned it as she was leaving us in the examination room to wait for the doctor. no sooner did she mention “urine” than of course i had to pee, so i was waiting waiting waiting for the doctor to come in & do whatever happens at early prenatal appointments (i had no idea what to expect because it doesn’t seem like there’s much to do, really) so that i could then leave & provide a urine sample. i wasn’t too squeamish about bodily functions before i got pregnant, but seriously nothing will make you cast your illusions of dignity aside like being pregnant. i just don’t care anymore.

anyway, finally i ducked out into the hall, where a nurse was standing around, & i was like, “heeeeey, so…i’m waiting for my doctor & i really have to pee & you need a sample anyway, so…?” & then i had to go trotting back into the examination room afterward with a cup of pee in a brown paper bag. i told jared, “i brought you a present! a terrible, terrible present.”

finally the doctor showed up & was all, “hey, girl! OMG!” (she actually said, “oh em gee.”) “you’re pregnant! i am so excited for you! are you so excited? oh my god, this baby is happening!” i feel like she would be a really great doctor to specialize in working with, like, teen moms. but her casual girlfriend style kind of works my nerves a little bit. but whatever. she probably won’t even be the doctor on call when i go into labor so who cares?

she went over my lab results (everything came back looking perfect–i’m not even anemic anymore, which has been a chronic problem for me since i was a little kid! i guess cooking everything in cast-iron really does work! i’m sorry i ever talked shit on you all over town, cast-iron) & asked if i had any questions. i told her about the whole due date/nuchal translucency screening incident & this is where part of the good comes in: she actually told me that what happened with the mixed up dates was totally uncool & not practice procedure & that no one should be changing my dates no matter what without her okay, & she did not okay that. she told me my due date was january 19, end of story, no matter what size the baby is on any sonogram. & she said that i was right to be pissed, because being a week off on dates can really fucking up pre-natal tests & screening procedures, but that the date i have set for the nuchal translucency test should work out fine (it’s happening on thursday). it’s not often that someone tells me i’m right to be angry about something! (not that discouragement has ever stopped me before.)

& then we got to hear the heartbeat! we’d seen it on sonograms but never heard it, & i am not one of those ladies who runs out & buys her own personal doppler the second she gets a positive pregnancy test. the doctor was all, “oh, you have a really good baby in there, it’s showing off for you! it wants you to know it’s doing great! what a good little baby!” i said, “we don’t know that. it could be born pure evil.” i was going to add that a strong fetal heartbeat doesn’t mean it won’t be born without a tail, but the heartbeat suddenly disappeared (because the baby turned around or something, not because it suddenly keeled over & died). the doctor said, “oh, the baby didn’t like that. it’s saying, ‘that was mean, mom,’ & it walked away.”

so we’ve got another sonogram coming up on thursday & hopefully the baby will look kind of baby-ish (or at least humanoid) & less like a blob or a donut. & then another regular pre-natal in early august. & i am taking that weird intelligender test on saturday. i keep dreaming that the baby is a girl, but i don’t know if that is maternal intuition or just wishful thinking. i asked jared what he thought & he said, “i think it’s a boy.” i asked him if his paternal intuition was telling him that & he said, “no. i’m just throwing it out there for the sake of argument.” this is the same dude that said, “it was okay,” when i asked how he felt about hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. an old woman overheard us & started laughing.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

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