no need to worry

so, i am only seven & a half weeks pregnant & it’s already kind of old news to everyone. i decided from the get-go that whenever i did get pregnant, i would be open about it right away because i was open about the whole drawn-out trying to get pregnant process. there’s that old superstition that you should keep it under your hat for the first trimester in case you miscarry; that way you don’t have to go around telling everyone that you lost the baby & make them feel sad & weird. but i figured i’d want the support or acknowledgment or whatever if that happened, so i’d just be straight with people about the whole thing & not pull any punches.

not that i had a miscarriage! as far as i know. the last sonogram, on friday, showed a nice healthy heartbeat & a viable embryo well on track for its gestational age. i’m a little worried that it’s lagging a few days; my two sonograms were exactly two weeks apart but the embryo didn’t grow at the two-week rate. it grew like a week & four days or something. being three days off when you are so tiny seems like kind of a big deal to me, but the sonogram technician said there was room for standard deviation & they’d only be worried if it was like a week or two (or more) off. then i felt better. then she said, “you might have ovulated later than you thought,” & then i felt shitty again because the whole magic of obsessively trying to get pregnant is that you know pretty much to the minute when you ovulated. but whatever. everything is probably fine, right?

i have felt kind of crampy for the last few days, but i was like, whatever, it’s probably just that round ligament pain people talk about, or my uterus stretching or something. then last night i had some spotting. nothing major, just a tiny bit. i told jared & he was all big eyes. obviously he had no idea what to say; he thought the “whoosh whoosh” you hear at a sonogram was the sound the machine makes. he has no clue about pregnancy stuff. so i looked it up on the internet & pretty much every website in the world says that minor spotting & cramping in early pregnancy is no big deal. i reported this to jared & he said, “are you sure? are you sure the internet doesn’t say it’s cancer? because usually the internet says you have cancer.” which is true. the internet is like the most alarmist doctor ever, with the worst possible bedside manner. if the internet says i shouldn’t freak, i definitely shouldn’t freak. in fact, it’s probably a license to do coke & ride a mechanical bull or something.

we watched a few episodes of “the sopranos,” which was a nice distraction. who doesn’t like to distract themselves from their petty worries by getting sucked into the nuances of a troubled organized crime family? but then i felt the need for more assurance, so i looked up “spotting” in what to expect when you’re expecting. it said i shouldn’t worry unless spotting persists for three or more days or becomes heavy. like, duh? as if i wouldn’t completely panic if it became heavy? thanks, useless book. anyway, what to expect when you’re expecting is the worst book in the world; it literally says that you can make yourself miscarry by being temporarily over-stressed. which is patently untrue. i mean, tell that to all those women who get pregnant & carry healthy babies to term despite the fact that their countries are engaged in a bloody & violent war, or they are starving to death, or their families were wiped out in a natural disaster, or all the other things that are ten gazillion times more stressful than whatever stress i felt yesterday when i realized we had forgotten to get heavy cream at the grocery store. if what to expect when you’re expecting is telling me to chill, i should probably chill.

plus, the magic of early pregnancy is that you just kind of have to let things happen. what would my doctor do? what would an emergency room do? maybe they would do a sonogram & look for a heartbeat. if they see one–great! what a relief. if they don’t…well. bummer. not much they can do to bring it back. so why bother incurring the bill? it’s like rushing to the hospital for a broken finger. all they’ll do is splint it & tell you to ice it. tape that shit to a chopstick & save yourself the trouble.

i have my first real “let’s talk about how you’re feeling” pre-natal appointment on tuesday & jared suggested i just wait until then. he said, “this isn’t the last time this kid is going to stress you out for like a week.” then he got all big eyes again & was like, “i hope.” which made me laugh. i will probably call my doctor anyway, just to see what they have to say, but…yeah. more than likely, everything is okay & this is my first new mom “when is a medical emergency not a medical emergency” lesson in embarrassment.

ETA: the nurse called me back & asked me to come in for a rhogam shot (since i have type negative blood & jared has positive–that means the baby probably has positive blood as well & if its blood mixes with mine, my body could make antibodies against it, which would be very bad) & a sonogram to see what’s going on. the baby grew A LOT just since the last sonogram & is now on track for the original due date. the heart rate was up to 168 beats per minute. the sonogram showed a chorionic bleed, which is to say, a bumpy spot where the placenta wasn’t all the way attached to the uterine wall. that’s not an awesome thing, but it’s not a terrible thing. apparently it’s a pretty normal first trimester complication & resolves on its own, resulting in a normal healthy pregnancy & healthy baby more often than not. but the doctor did put me on pelvic rest for the next two weeks. i’m not supposed to lift stuff heavier than ten pounds, which means i have to temporarily discontinue my efforts to pick charlotte up every day to get her accustomed to being picked up. she weighs WAY more than ten pounds. i also picked jared up last week, which i guess i shouldn’t do. he also weighs more than ten pounds.

the baby kind of looks like shrimp cocktail, or maybe a tiny hamburger.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

2 thoughts on “no need to worry

  1. I’ve tried to leave a bunch of comments before, but I’ve always given up because I have a hard time remembering the password I need. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been following your blog for awhile now. Congrats on the pregnancy! And good luck with the pelvic rest. I often wonder how many things are “abnormal” in our bodies that we would never, ever know or think about unless we had doctors and tests and so on. Best wishes for the next 8 months.

  2. Hi again! Good to hear about all the growing being on the right track and everything – that’s great! I continue to follow and love your blog!

    I’m currently doing acupuncture and drinking the dirty-sock-water-tasting Chinese herbal cocktails every day. Lovin’ it! Wish me luck or whatever 😉

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