why would you enrage a pregnant woman?, part one

sometimes i think that if jared & i hadn’t been trying to get pregnant, & i didn’t obsessively test & then run off to my ob-gyn at the first opportunity for confirmation, i could have wound up on a TV show like “i didn’t know i was pregnant”. allow me to add that i have never seen an entire episode of “i didn’t know i was pregnant,” but for those of you who haven’t seen it at all: it features talking head interviews with real people who didn’t know they were pregnant, interspersed with dramatic black & white re-enactments of the ladies giving birth on toilets (always on toilets…maybe occasionally a favorite barcalounger). in my limited viewing, it was unclear to me if the re-enactments featured actors or the actual surprise-pregnant ladies themselves. i think either option is hilarious in a different way.

i do have pregnancy symptoms. but they’re so mild that i could probably chalk them up to the heat or a bad mood or something if i didn’t know better. i had much stronger, more obvious pregnancy symptoms the last time i was pregnant (when i wasn’t trying).

i went in for a second sonogram last week, because i am bound & determined to turn this little baby inside out before it gets born. actually it was just to make sure there’s a heartbeat & that it’s growing at a decent rate & looking viable & everything. & everything looked good. heart rate was 128 beats per minute. we didn’t get to hear it, but we could see it flickering. or, i could, anyway. i asked jared & he admitted he didn’t see anything. i’m about seven & a half weeks at this point, give or take a few days.

when we left the sonogram, i told jared that it still doesn’t seem real to me. like, at all. i have stopped flipping out about needing baby supplies because i feel like it’s inconceivable that i am actually pregnant & going to have a baby. it’s kind of cool to see the little gray lump that is supposedly the baby & have some photographic evidence of its existence…but it looks so much like the “photographic evidence” of the loch ness monster that i am still kind of reserving judgment. i just can’t wrap my head around the fact that we are going to have a new roommate next year, & it’s someone we know nothing about. we have no idea what its personality will be like, how it will sleep, what it will like to do in its leisure time…

jared told me that it seems very, very real to him. i asked him to tell me his secret because its supposedly living in me & i feel zero connection. but of course it’s not really the kind of thing you can put into words & convince another person of.

the one aspect of my pregnancy symptoms that is pretty pronounced is my afore-mentioned pregnancy rage. it lies dormant from time to time, only to be riled by the most absurd, inconsequential bullshit. & no matter how aware i am that i am getting seriously pissed about something completely meaningless, i can’t stop myself. case in point: on sunday night, i gave facebook a quick scroll before going to bed, & one of my assbasket facebook friends spoiled that night’s episode of “mad men”. jared & i don’t have cable (we don’t even have a TV), so we subscribe to the “mad men” season pass feature on itunes & usually watch the new episodes on monday night. in this modern world of tivo & internet TV, i think that’s pretty common. even people that do have TVs don’t necessarily watch the shows they like as they air.

i went into the bedroom & told jared, “some asshole on facebook just spoiled the most recent episode of ‘mad men’ for me. what the fuck?” he said, “we better nip this in the bud quickly, before it trickles down to me.” which made me laugh & i kind of forgot about it.

until i went on facebook yesterday & saw the comments on the spoiler. most people were like, “whoa! uncool, bro!” but one friend of the asshole in question (or maybe a relative? they have the same last name) was all, “maybe this will teach you all not to use social media if you don’t want to be spoiled.” there were some other comments about how we should all get cable if we want our favorite TV shows to be fresh & new when we watch them.

the rage that filled me was rather like what i imagine the big macy’s thanksgiving day parade charlie brown float feels as he is inflated with helium. this was about more than TV. it was about the fact that we live in 2012 & apparently some morons still haven’t wrapped their heads around the fact that spoiling new books/TV/movies on social networking websites literally within an hour of their release is generally frowned upon. the #1 jerk in the situation, rather than saying something like, “oops! sorry, guys!” instead wrote, “you shouldn’t have read it if you didn’t want to be spoiled,” even though there was no indication that she was going to write a spoiler. she also said, “how was i supposed to know that none of my FB friends watch this show until monday?” i don’t know. maybe that’s where you err on the side of caution so as to not be a prize asshole?

SPOILERS AHEAD! STOP READING NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOST RECENT EPISODE & REALLY WANT TO BE SURPRISED! the thing that REALLY pissed me off once i watched the episode, though, was that what she wrote was both a spoiler & a complete idiot’s guide to misapprehending the nature of the event. she wrote, “don draper is such an asshole. i can’t believe he made lane kill himself.” then, in defense to all the people that were like, “whoa, dude, uncool!” she claimed that she just posted it because she wanted to discuss this development with other people who had seen the show. when someone who had seen it did initiate a conversation, all she had to add was, “i liked lane.” wow, that’s some scintillating analysis! tell me more about your deep thirst for intellectual conversation about this fucking TV show.

but even more annoying than that is that obviously don didn’t “make” anyone hang themselves. lane embezzled from the company & was already suffering from a lot of personal stress, including a rocky relationship with his wife. he got busted for the embezzling & don very politely requested that lane resign from the company. he didn’t get the authorities involved, he didn’t publicly fire him, he didn’t even tell the other partners what lane had done. he didn’t let lane get away with stealing from the company…but lane was apparently so stressed out about his money woes & the terror of having to start over at a new job somewhere else that he killed himself. it had fuck-all to do with don. i hate this notion that people kill themselves because someone was mean to them, or someone didn’t enable them to be assholes or criminals or whatever. when don asked for his resignation, lane was all, “i’ve been operating at a loss for three years!…how will i afford tuition for my son’s posh boarding school?” i don’t know, brother. that’s on you. when you find out you’re not making enough money to cover your outgoing, you find ways to cut back. you don’t steal from your place of business. i’m especially unsympathetic because lane was undoubtedly making a fucking fortune by 1967 standards; he just wasn’t willing to compromise on his chosen lifestyle. so he killed himself instead. whatever.

TO BE CONTINUED, SPOILER-FREE…

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