damn it, pregnant ladies!

it’s time for another edition of everyone’s favorite blog topic: stuff about trying to get pregnant that annoys the crap out of me. or just makes me feel sad/weird.

because i have no friends that are currently trying to conceive (or if i do, they are doing a way better job at keeping that info on the DL), nor do i have any really tight bros that are already parents, i have to derive some of my sense of community from internet messageboards. & you know what that means! bring out the crazy misinformation, the ladies who know shockingly little about their own bodies, the alarmist hardline scare tactics, the moral superiority complexes, & the hundreds upon hundreds of photos of other people’s pregnancy tests. i never thought i would be that interested in looking at other people’s pregnancy tests. but i guess walt whitman was right–i contain multitudes.

in fact, there is a website that features a whole gallery of pregnancy/ovulation test photos. you can snap a photo of your test & upload it & the website attaches a poll so that other users can vote on whether your test looks negative or positive. i am embarrassed to admit how many hours i have wasted on this website. let’s just say that i had a really sobering moment last night when i realized that someday i was going to die, & that i was unlikely to be malingering on my death bed, lamenting the fact that i didn’t vote on a few more pregnancy test polls.

i try not to look at the website too much–in fact, i installed a program on my computer called leechblocker which prohibits me from spending more than ten minutes on any & all pregnancy websites during a given four-hour block. things actually got that bad. but i have spent enough time on the website to have developed a serious pet peeve.

the situation is that we live in the future now, surrounded at all times by flying cars & hoverboards, & as such, scientists have developed digital pregnancy tests. you don’t have to compromise your eyesight squinting at analog tests, trying to see lines where there are no lines (seriously, my eyesight has appreciably degenerated in the last few months, & i totally blame all the time i spend staring at pregnancy tests–i’m going to have to order new glasses soon). the digital tests just say “pregnant” or “not pregnant,” no ambiguity, no muss, no fuss. these babies are about as close as you can get to being infallible, as they are not quite as sensitive as some dye tests you can buy. they generally won’t tell a lady she is pregnant until she has a rather significant quantity of pregnancy hormone coursing through her system. but that does not stop people from sometimes posting their positive digital pregnancy test photos to this online pregnancy test gallery & asking if the internet community at large thinks they could possibly be pregnant.

i won’t lie: i always vote negative on those photos. because those ladies aren’t really “unsure”. they’re just bragging. if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a million times: i don’t begrudge any woman her feelings of excitement about her pregnancy, but i definitely reserve the right to judge the fuck out of you if you try to rub my face in it.

on this note, i started seeking out blogs written by women struggling with various types of infertility a few months ago. they didn’t always feature the most incredible writing or the most inspiring examples of women coping in a healthy way with disappointment & loss, but they were blogs by women experiencing something similar to what i am dealing with, & like i said, the whole trying to get pregnant thing is a pretty isolating experience in my social milieu. maybe i need more friends that are over thirty & not dating a bottle of kentucky gentleman. but i digress.

in the last two or three months, every author of every infertility blog i read has gotten knocked up. & congrats to them all. but all of them except for one now writes a blog where she just complains incessantly about how uncomfortable pregnancy can be. it’s just post after post about nausea, heartburn, & vomiting. there’s so much whining. oh, there’s also a lot of really gross mainstream baby things mixed in there, like being excited to learn the gender so they know how to decorate the nursery (puke) or running out to start stocking up on baby clothes literally the day of the first positive pregnancy test, because surely friends & family aren’t going to shower you with free baby gear & you really need to throw your money away on that shit.

do these ladies not realize that a lot of pregnant women spend a lot of time puking? & that the rearranging of internal organs often leads to heartburn? it’s just unbearably annoying to go from reading these posts about, “another negative test, cry cry cry,” to, “well, i’m eleven weeks today & i threw up again at work.” let me throw up at work! (except that i don’t have a job.) okay, let me throw up…i don’t know…while watching “america’s next top model” or whatever it is that i do. & let it be from a baby & not just because of tyra’s jumpsuit collection like it usually is! i expect pregnancy to be horrifically uncomfortable & for me to have many many days of wondering why the fuck i ever wanted to subject myself to such a nightmare-ish invasion of my body, but i solemnly vow here & now not to complain about it on my blog. i don’t even know if there are any other infertile myrtles reading this shit, but just in case: ladies, this will be a safe space for you! even when/if i get pregnant, you will not be hearing me whine about my swollen ankles & there will be nary a whisper about how anxious i am to know the gender so i know whether to buy a layette of pink satin adorned with teddy bears practicing ballet or scratchy black canvas covered with diagrams of AK47s, footballs, & topless bitches.

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