inspired by jared’s sterling example of internet restraint, i installed leechblock on my browser & blocked all the pregnancy/trying to conceive websites i like to look at. i just don’t have any self-control with them. i can spend hours scrolling through old posts, looking at people’s fertility charts, comparing them to my own & wondering if i might be pregnant this cycle. now i am only allowed to look at them for ten minutes every four hours. this is going to free up A LOT of time that i hope to use for writing, reading my way through the teetering stack of library books that is constantly replenishing itself like some kind of evil horcrux-concealing potion, & wandering around town getting lost.
yeah, so i still don’t know if i’m pregnant or not. but that should change within the next few days. i tested with a dollar tree test yesterday & saw two lines for sure, without a doubt. it’s just a question of whether that second line is for real, or if it’s an indent (where the test chemical leeches out of the strip, leaving a nearly-imperceptible divot behind–it can read as a shadow, which can read as a very faint positive test). i took a more expensive test this morning, & again, there was just the tiniest whisper of a line, which also could have been an indent. i’m just assuming that they are indents, & that i am either not pregnant or testing too early. i have a whole stockpile of tests in reserve & will just use one every day until i get an answer.
i am trying to prepare myself for the likelihood of once again not being pregnant. i know there are some women who don’t get positive results on their home pregnancy tests until they are like a week late for their periods. but there are so many places on the internet where ladies suffering the ravages of baby rabies congregate together to discuss how they got their positive pregnancy tests like a week BEFORE their periods were due that i am feeling kind of shitty. i’m not late yet. logically, i know i could be testing too early. emotionally, i am beginning the process of giving up for this cycle & trying to find a silver lining.
i have one more cycle left with just the 50mg of clomid before i have to regroup with my doctor & come up with an alternate approach. i had an appointment with her a few days ago & she said she would probably just double my dose of clomid. i don’t really understand how that would work. clearly, i am ovulating with 50mg. taking 100mg instead would only increase my risk of becoming pregnant with multiples or suffering ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome, which could result in the loss of one or both ovaries (& hence, even more compromised or totally eliminated fertility). but i am trying not to worry about that for now.
if i don’t get pregnant this cycle or next, i am taking a break. i need some time off from all the drugs, & jared’s probably going to be presenting at a conference in western mass when i’m ovulating in april anyway. it’s weird to think that if i’m still not pregnant by then, i’m looking at a year-plus until i finally have a take-home baby…at the earliest.
anyway! today jared & i took a walk & went by the first house we lived in when we moved to lawrence. we had to move out almost immediately because there was an enormous hole in the roof above the window we intended to use as a bedroom. rain poured inside like a waterfall. that’s not an exaggeration at all. a person easily could have showered in there during a thunderstorm. we had the apartment condemned by the city in order to get out of our lease. that was two & a half years ago. there’s clearly someone living up there now, judging from the totally bitchin’ grateful dead tapestry tacked up over the window…but it’s obviously still not fixed. the entire window frame is rotting out. it’s amazing what slumlords in lawrence can get away with, just by rolling the dice & hoping that their next tenant is going to be too stoned to call the city & report them.
we cut through a church parking lot on the way home & i found a dollar bill flapping on the ground. i pocketed it & immediately said, “i wish it was a hundred-dollar bill.” i feel like this story sums up everything that is wrong with me as a person. i took money that i found in a church parking lot, & rather than being thankful, i immediately complained, out loud, that i hadn’t randomly found one hundred times more. i am seriously such an asshole. not that i am really all that interested in changing that aspect of myself.
but i am interested in no longer drinking (or eating, if i can help it) things that contain high fructose corn syrup. i’ve gotten way into ginger ale because it helps with the nausea i experience on my fertility meds. but the ginger ale from the regular grocery store all contains high-fructose corn syrup, which is basically just liquid type 2 diabetes germs. my dad & my paternal grandma are diabetic…well, my dad was before his diabetes killed him at the tender age of 48. i feel like i really need to watch it, especially because my blood pressure is looking a little high these days…so i guess jared & i are going to start making our own ginger ale with homemade ginger syrup & carbonated water. it’s all very folk-punk. don’t be surprised if you see me running a zine delivery service by bicycle & holding weekly bonfires where everyone just hangs out, sharing their tips for cutting a good stencil or cobbling shoes.