dumb things people say when you’re trying to get pregnant, part 2

i’m back already with even more thoughts about dumb things people say when they learn that someone is trying to get pregnant.

“at least you’re having lots of ‘fun’ trying, right?” *wink wink* this is a noble attempt to look for the silver lining, but…seriously? i wrote something much more serious here, but i deleted it in favor of saying…you know how much i love pajamas? well, a few months ago jared & i had a serious talk about how he isn’t wild about having his girlfriend constantly looking like she’s a hobo who makes ends meet by selling plasma & pajama modeling, & i started making the effort to put on real clothes every day. i hate putting on real clothes. & once the real clothes are on, i’m not real wild about taking them off again for some joyless, mechanical sex on demand. & then putting them on again afterward & going into the kitchen to make some toast & try to forget that babies get made via pretty much the most undignified activity two humans can engage in. it’s really easy to forget how ridiculous sex is when you’re feeling really passionate & excited about it. that is what sex counts on, i think. if we were always totally aware of how embarrassing it is, people wouldn’t want to do it so much & the species would die out. the unique challenge of the infertile is to propogate the species while being all too aware of how embarrassing it is to have sex. fun!

“are you sure you really want kids? they start out as expensive poop machines & eventually grow into surly teenagers who hate you.” i do always enjoy shelling out hundreds of dollars to try to fulfill a dream, only to have some random person come along & condescend to me as if i had not considered the consequences of said dream. i have actually been around babies before. i know they poop, & scream, & drool everywhere, & somehow always manage to pull the most dangerous possible appliances to the very edge of the counter so they almost die, & end up suffering from such chronic ear infections that they require expensive & terrifying surgery. i have also been around teenagers–i was even one myself once, & am therefore all too familiar with how they SAY they’re going to their court-mandated public service at the historical society, but actually they’re setting the house on fire & then climbing out the window to have sex with their boyfriends in a public bathroom. (ps–i didn’t do that, but my best friend did. & the house she set on fire was actually mine. kind of killed the friendship.)

but i don’t care! i want to do it anyway! i already have a cat who poops in a box & expects me to clean it up for her; taking care of a tiny screaming human who poops in a diaper kind of seems like a step up.

“fertility drugs, huh? are you gonna be like octomom?” here’s a thought: if you don’t actually have the first idea what the fuck you’re talking about, maybe try not saying anything. a percentage of people who seek assisted reproductive technologies (starting with drugs like clomid, where i’m at, & advancing up through injectable drugs, IUI, ICSI, IVF, etc–& if you don’t know what those acronyms means, you do not know what you’re talking about when you make octomom jokes) don’t end up with any babies at all. let alone eight at once. but in short, no, i am not going to be like octomom, & you’re definitely off the christmas card list.

“should you really be drinking if you’re trying to get pregnant?” this was another favorite of the midwifery student friend who told me that stress hormones were causing my infertility. i’m really hoping that the first class she enrolls in is called something like “how to actually speak to other humans” because she clearly needs a refresher course.

so, let’s say you know that someone is trying to get pregnant. you even know that they have been trying for a while. maybe you even know that they have actually begun medical interventions of some kind. & then you see them at a party with a drink in their hand. i know there’s a decent chance that you yourself may have had a few drinks yourself this evening, which could cloud your judgment, but think it through: is someone who has been open about spending hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars on assisted reproductive technology really all that likely to be a fast-track candidate for causing fetal alcohol syndrome? i suppose it’s not completely outside the realm of possibility, but it’s not a slam dunk. it’s a lot more likely that this person just got yet another negative pregnancy test. or had her latest cycle canceled due to cysts. or is taking some time off because she was going fucking bananas. do you really want to be the person who tries to stand between this stressed out, possibly grieving woman & her sweet sweet fermented libations? i personally am not a big drinker even during the freest of times, so just fucking trust that if i have a drink in my hand, i haven’t just somehow forgotten that i’m hoping to get pregnant soon. & dude! if i HAVE forgotten, just let me have that bliss for five fucking seconds before i remember again! because there has not been one minute in the last two & a half years that has not been filled with the drumbeat of “i want a baby i want a baby i want a baby”.

“i heard that female orgasms are bad for conception.” yes, i have actually heard this one. because the whole nature of battling against all the elements & getting pregnant at last is such that people start to believe any weird thing they did was the magic bullet. “well, maybe it’s not for everyone, but i dressed up in a my little pony costume & then we had sex in the back of an el camino parked in the middle of death valley. try it, it works!” thanks but no thanks, crazypants!

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

4 thoughts on “dumb things people say when you’re trying to get pregnant, part 2

  1. I watched one of those documentaries once that shows what goes on during intercourse, & during female orgasm the cervix actually dipped into the pool of semen. It was disgusting but fascinating.

    1. yeah, i know. that’s exactly why most people say that the best way to try to conceive is to make sure everybody has an orgasm. but you wouldn’t believe how many ladies have convinced themselves that the contractions that accompany orgasm can somehow shake the egg loose & PREVENT conception. like it’s that easy. if that was the case, i think teenage boys would probably work a whole lot harder to be excellent in bed. “don’t worry about it, baby, as long as i rock your world, you can’t get pregnant!”

      1. I knew you’d know. 😉 If I had questions about this sort of business you’d be the first person I’d ask. Outside of my Dr, who isn’t as readily accessible.

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