back to square one

(this isn’t something originally written for my blog, which is why everything is capitalized properly. see, i can do it! this is about infertility & it’s pretty detailed, so you may not want to read on if you don’t give a rat’s ass about my sisyphean quest to get pregnant, or if you can’t handle hearing about blood. i don’t really care. i needed to write this stuff for myself, & because i KNOW there are other infertile myrtles reading this, even if they haven’t spoken up.)

After much excitement yesterday with a positive-looking test, I woke up at 2am with what looks like the start of my period. It’s 4:30am now. Can’t sleep. Too disappointed. Even Jared, who just does not get excited about stuff, saw the test from yesterday & declared himself “cautiously optimistic”. But now I’m having some bright red bleeding that would be classified as a little bit more than just spotting, & some cramps, &…I just know this is it. Game over.

So I guess I’ll try this again. I’m doing 50mg of Clomid again, CD5-9. I’ll start some kind of generic progesterone supplement once I get my sustained temp rise. I don’t know if I’ll do OPKs again…it might just be a waste of money considering that I ovulate anyway. Maybe I’ll skip it this time. Staring down the barrel of my eighth cycle trying to conceive, I need to try to save some money where I can. I can’t just keep throwing money at this problem like that’s going to be the solution. I don’t know.

This time around, I will not obsess my way through the two-week wait, & I will not break out the big guns to start testing for pregnancy until 14DPO. I made it to 13DPO on my first round of Clomid–a normal luteal phase, for once. If I’d just been patient & waited until after the average person misses her period, I wouldn’t have wasted any tests or been crushed by the excitement of a positive followed up with bleeding.

I’m going to to try to go back to bed now, but am taking the day off from everything. I’m going to go get a massage (I already had one scheduled; how lucky is that?) & then do absolutely nothing. I need my Day of Mourning before I get back on the ball.

I’m thinking of taking my Clomid in the morning this time. I took it at night last time & it sucked because the only side effect I had was hot flashes, & they always woke me up. I’d prefer to have hot flashes during the day.

(a few hours later) My doctor is supposed to call me this morning to schedule a blood test since I had that faint positive yesterday morning…I guess I’ll have her call in another round of Clomid & progesterone instead.

I think the worst part about this is feeling like I don’t know or can’t trust my own body. I have been feeling so nauseated in the last few days. & it didn’t come on until after I had a day or two of really minor brown spotting. A few days before that, I took a long bath & thought I’d made my peace with whatever outcome I was going to get this cycle, but the nausea & the brown spotting (I’d never had anything like that before) started to raise my hopes. & then my temps started going back up…& then I got that test with a pink line…I mean, all signs pointed to “pregnant”. & maybe I really was & it’s just an early miscarriage, but the result is that I feel like I can’t trust my body.

& add to this the fact that I am disabled & have a chronic pain condition. Trying to get to a point of feeling trust in my body has been a really hard row to hoe. When you spend eight months in physical therapy when you’re only 19 & are hobbling around with a cane by the time you’re 24, but everyone from friends to family to doctors keeps telling you that maybe you’d be okay if you just tried harder, your x-rays aren’t showing any more degeneration, maybe just try to get more exercise, everyone has the occasional aches & pains, etc etc…You really start to wonder if you can trust anything you feel. It’s crazy-making.

I feel like I am whining. There are women out there who have been waiting for so much longer than I have. That’s another hard part of this: my laser focus on getting pregnant is distracting me from everything that is wonderful about my life. Every now & again, I “come out of the fog” & take a good look at where I am & what I’m doing & I feel so fortunate & loved to have such a beautiful home, such a supportive partner, such brilliant friends, I could go on. I worry sometimes that I have become so fixated on getting pregnant (because it seems so impossible) that I won’t know how to shift gears & prepare for parenthood when it finally happens.

I went to midwifery school with a woman who was simply obsessed with getting & being pregnant. It was all she cared about. She had five kids, all under the age of five, & she wanted more–not because she loved kids (she admitted that she found them boring), but because people made a big fuss over her & treated her like a queen. I saw in person how she treated her kids, who were just the sweetest little things. They’d say, “Mommy, I drew a picture of you!” & hand her the cutest little drawing they’d made while she was in class all day, & she’d say, “Get that away from me, it has your germs all over it.” But she was trying to get pregnant again, even though her youngest was only eight months old. & she was upset because all her other kids were much younger than eight months when the next-youngest sibling was conceived.

I think she’s an extreme example, but I think about her & don’t want to be like her. This whole getting pregnant thing is turning into a major ordeal, but I’m really trying to remember that it’s only the first step toward a complete transformation of my life, & THAT’S what I need to focus on.

But I’m also thinking that if I don’t get pregnant this time, I might take a little breather from trying. Just for a month. This is really, really stressful.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

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