relationships actually are

i haven’t posted here in so long, i don’t know if i remember how. okay, it’s only been three weeks. but still.

spinster summer is all over now. jared got home last week. today he started school. having him back home has been good. but also very intense. saturday was literally the most intense day of my life. more intense than the day i found out my dad had died. not necessarily in a bad way. just in an intense way. we have been talking about so much stuff we have never talked about before, in a manner completely different from how we used to communicate. it’s a big change, but hopefully a good one.

in the last few weeks, i have gone to kansas city every weekend. kansas city is starting to become my escape for when i can’t deal with “adult living in lawrence” anymore & need a break. the last time i went, it was for a punk show. that was the same day that the west memphis three were released from jail. everyone was talking about it. “the west memphis three were released from jail today! they were these weirdo white trash metalheads that got framed for murdering three little boys. the cops thought they were satanists because they were into metallica. they were thrown in jail in…i dunno…1992? & now they’re free! happy day! metal is exonerated!” i am not going to be a hater about some wrongfully convicted dudes being released from jail, but i couldn’t help thinking about all the people of color still rotting in jail because their wrongful convictions hinged on racism, which has caused a more long-lasting criminal panic than the satanist terror of the 1980s & 1990s. oh, punks. you are just too cute. & sometimes very solipsistic.

i am also reminded of this time i was chilling in a graveyard when i was like 16 & i found the grave of a kid my age. apparently his parents had gone ahead & had his picture engraved on the tombstone. he is wearing a metallica t-shirt. i think that was the day i confronted both my mortality & the embarrassing nature of adolescence. i hope that if my image is ever engraved on anything, i am dressed in a halfways dignified manner. but i guess the best way to make that happen is to actually start dressing in a dignified manner, so i’m screwed.

after the punk show, we crewed up & went to some weird party at a firehouse. a huge storm blew in & i slid down the fire pole at least half a dozen times. party fouls ensued: i broke a black light that was laying on the floor (my fault). i kicked over someone’s drink on the dance floor (her fault–who the fuck leaves their drink next to them on the ground in the middle of a dimly-lit dance floor?). there was drunken vomiting (not me). there were promises of sober designated driving that were compromised by multiple mixed drinks (also not me). a kid was too drunk to handle the fire pole & wound up breaking his foot. there was far too much inappropriate public fucking (by my standards, any public fucking is too much, but there was A LOT). someone hit a friend’s car & drove away yelling.

& i totally fell down in the very basic girlfriend job of checking in about plans & safety status at a timely hour. i am realizing that i have been doing this girlfriend thing kind of all wrong for, i don’t know…ever? so i am kind of learning how to do it properly from scratch & there’s a definite learning curve. it is really difficult to balance healthy autonomy & healthy friendships & independence & respectful, intentional partnering, & don’t let anyone ever tell you any differently.

my friend leah is inappropriately obsessed with terrible social justice-themed tumblrs & she alerted me to one called relationships aren’t. i hate it so much. i think relationships actually are forever, in terms of how the continuation of the species hinges on human beings forming some kind of relationship with each other (& i’m not just talking about sex). you know what’s not forever? some dumb character in some dumb fandom that has only been around for like ten years. imaginary characters. actors that portray imaginary characters from fandom. all of that shit is fleeting & the people will die, but the concept of “relationships” is actually forever, or as long as humans exist, anyway (which is not forever). someday i want to write a really intense manifesto about how the internet ruined social justice activism, but i start crying blood when i think about it too much, so…

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

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