i was thinking about four years ago, when i did my residency at the anchor archive (now called the robert street social center) in halifax. i had recently started a myspace profile for my cat, charlotte, because it was 2007 & people that were not in bands or styling themselves as emcees still used myspace then. but myspace & social networking was still a goofy enough concept that people routinely created profiles for their pets & no one found it super fucking annoying. this is me trying to say that it is super fucking annoying when people make facebook accounts for their cats in the year 2011. we now live in a world in which potential bosses routinely google applicants & potentially judge them for unflattering photos that pop up. i judge you when you make a facebook account for your cat.
anyway, charlotte’s myspace account made it really obvious that she was a cat. she was the only living creature in any of her photos, so that no one would think that the person with the cat sitting on her lap was in fact charlotte. her interests were things like, “scratching people,” “scratching the furniture,” & “hissing”. her “about me” sections said: “ATTENTION PERVERTS: i am a cat. as in, i am from the feline genus. i am not joking around. so save your flirtatious messages for actual human women. seriously, fuck you. also, you don’t stand a chance with my human companion either. together we will make you suffer in the most unpleasant ways. so just run along & ply your illiterate come-ons with humans.”
but she still got tons of weird messages from random myspace dudes saying things like, “saw your pics. you’re hot.” eventually, i started writing them back & saying, “hello, i am a cat. i am not sexually interested in humans. you must be really perverse if you want to cyber with a cat. if we met in person, i’d rip your balls off with my claws!” most of the dudes never replied, because they were bots or embarrassed or illiterate, i guess. but some of the dudes would get REALLY UPSET. about half of the upset dudes cottoned on to the fact that a person must be writing them these messages & they would be all, “why are you making a myspace account for your cat & then being upset when people write messages?” while i certainly cop to the fact that it’s ridiculous to make any kind of social networking account for your pet, i do not think that any female creature with a social networking account should stand for receiving unsolicited sexual messages from strangers. seriously the only reason these dudes were writing to my cat is because her gender was listed as “female” & she had a female human name. i too am a female with a female human name, but i have never joined a social networking website in the hopes that i would be the recipient of unsolicited photos of strange dudes’ wangs (charlotte received several; her account was public & mine have all been private). trust.
but more hilarious were the dudes who did not seem to understand that a cat could not actually respond to their messages. they would say things like, “my apologies, i didn’t mean to offend. your pics attracted my attention. i think you are very sexy.” okay, obviously these dudes just didn’t really read the messages. but i prefer to believe that they legitimately believed a cat was writing to them, & they were legitimately sexually attracted to cats.
i just tried logging into charlotte’s account for the first time in at least three years in the hopes that those old messages would still be there, so i could cut & paste them for the amusement of the broader internet, but unfortunately, i seem to have forgotten the password. or even what e-mail addressed i’d used to register it. i realize that without transcripts of these awesome messages, this whole post starts to verge into “cool story, bro” territory.
can you resist her sexy siren song?
in other news, jared & i are having a housewarming party on thursday night. it’s also a yay-it’s-the-end-of-the-semester party. i actually went out & bought a new dress for it, which made me feel like i was living in 1957. i mean, i also bought the dress because it’s like the perfect summer dress.
i am stoked for the party because i’m hoping it will be a really weird mix of lawrence weirdo punk kids & graduate students–my two lawrence social spheres colliding at last! hopefully it will be like this, but even cuter!