springtime in kansas…ugh

i continue to be vaguely depressed & anxious. the problem with depression & anxiety is that they do not necessarily have reasons for being, so there isn’t really anything i can do to address them. i am just trying to muddle along.

jared is on spring break this week, but it hasn’t really been as awesome as it could have been. last year, we drove up to chicago for spring break & stayed with my friend LB & her partner, lucas. aside from some gray, chilly, sleet-threatening weather, being saddled with a rental car that was like catnip to every cop between kansas & illinois (a bright red ford mustang), a migraine headache, & some childish zinester drama, it was pretty cool. but this year, we decided not to leave town because we still don’t know what kind of financial situation we’re going to be facing in the summer. money could be really tight, so we have decided not to do anything too financially reckless until the situation is clarified.

yes, that means we are still looking for a summer subletter for our current apartment. in the last week, we have shown the place to several people who seemed to be extremely interested. any one of those people could call me at any moment & tell me they’ve decided to take it…but no one has made the call yet. so i am still posting the ad, still fielding e-mails & phone calls, still showing it to people. the only change is that i have decided not to show it to people who are specifically looking for an august rental anymore. at first, i showed it anyway, even though an august renter helps us not at all, because anyone interested for august would be seeing it anyway if they called the management company. but i got sick of feeling the pressure to clean the place up & be charming for twenty minutes when it doesn’t benefit me at all, so…sorry, august renters. i will jump through hoops for you no longer!

there’s a good chance that my sadness & anxiety has everything to do with an impending summer without jared. i just keep thinking about how i’ll feel the first time i see a spider on the ceiling & have to deal with it on my own & i am plunged into a black pit of despair. (i probably don’t need to mention here that my arachnophobia has been clinically diagnosed as SEVERE.)

i think spring is in the air in kansas. the weather has been a lot warmer (sometimes downright hot), with lots of rain & thunderstorms. usually i like the springtime. i always loved it in boston, even though the temperature rarely climbed above fifty & it would rain every day for like four months. (autumn in new england is way nicer.) jared gets sad in the springtime…probably because he grew up in new england, so he has thirty years of cognitive dissonance under his belt: springtime is supposed to be nice but new england springtimes are terrible. i, however, always like spring. i kind of like rain, which could explain why eight years in boston never bothered me.

the difference is that springtimes in kansas are actually pretty nice, & i want to go outside & enjoy them. if i was still smoking, i would have an excuse to go outside & enjoy the nice weather like ten times a day & soak up the rays (or the rain). but i am trying to quit (yes, AGAIN), so i have no reason to go outside. i could go for a walk, but there’s nowhere worth walking to in lawrence. i could go for coffee, but i’m reluctant to spend the money when i might have to pay rent on two separate apartments this summer.

lawrence, kansas is really boring.

i have been living in lawrence for more than a year & a half & i still get homesick for boston all the time, almost every day. the idea of spending two months in lawrence by myself is awful, because i’ll be lonely & i’ll miss jared & i’ll have to kill spiders by myself & there’s nothing to do here. but the idea of spending two months in lawrence while jared is in boston is even worse. i want to be in boston! the GOOD thing about him being in boston is that i can go visit him there as often as i can afford plane tickets/bart will let me sleep on his couch. so i guess i shouldn’t complain. jared could be summering in the arctic circle, which i have no interest in visiting. & if he was in the arctic circle, he would probably have a hard time doing research on the environmental impact of deindustrialization in new england too.

is there a way to make lawrence more exciting? it seems like a lot of people live here, & not just because they/their partners are attending school. they must like it for some reason. i think i need to start making a note of the good things about lawrence. like the fact that a rabbit family lives in the sideyard behind some of macy’s oversized artwork, or that the seafood place downtown is pretty damn good considering that they have to fly in their seafood.

i am also still learning how to drive. i have improved by leaps & bounds in the last month. i am no longer afraid of driving on busy streets. my turns are pretty smooth, i am better at changing lanes, i am no longer afraid of the gas pedal, my stops are jolt-free…but there’s some shit i am just not good at. specifically, parking. i am terrible at all forms of parking. i can never pull right into the middle of a space on the first try. i’m always over the line & have to reverse & try again. i have scratched the fuck out of the car (& actually once did significant cosmetic damage) on three separate occasions, trying to park in the garage. i ran over & destroyed a chair while trying to learn how to parallel park. i have shown almost no improvement in this area. i’m just as bad now as i was a month ago. my confidence is shaken. i don’t know how i’ll ever get my license if i can’t park, even in a parking lot. i guess i just need more practice…a lot more.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

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