in which i hulk out about “lost”

sorry, dudes. no “top model” recap this week. i was going to write it last thursday, but i decided i would rather read a book instead. “i’ll do it tomorrow,” i told myself. but the next day, i woke up with a fever exchanged for my voice & have been sick ever since. i’m actually out of bed now & wearing non-pajama clothes, but i’m still not at 100%, & the final episodes are tomorrow night & every other recapper on the internet already has their posts up, so fuck it. although last week’s episode was hilarious (the challenge involved the girls wearing incredibly puffy clothing & posing in the doorways to hobbit holes as featured in “lord of the rings”; jared suggested that a nearby sheep might go crazy with rage due to the muttonchop sleeves the girls were sporting), i just don’t have it in me to contribute. i’m sure everyone is very sad now.

i feel like this cycle has flown by! probably because the first two episodes were extra long, & this week’s episode is a full two hours. we have been cheated out of an extra two weeks of programming. but it actually works out well, because this way, all my TV obsessions are all wrapped up just in time for me to leave for philadelphia, where i will have no TV & little internet access. jared & i will be able to watch the two & a half-hour series finale of “lost” the day before we leave. i’m hoping they just pan back from the island & james earl jones voices over, “& then they were all saved by…let’s say, moe.” & then there’s a little explosion & he says, “except for kate, who exploded.” & then there’s another explosion & he says, “oh, & jack also exploded.”

i know everyone is all OMG-ing over last week’s “lost” episode (i won’t spoil anything big for those of you who haven’t seen it yet), but far more angering to me was jack’s obnoxious fucking obsession with john’s paralysis. jack offers john some surgery that can repair his back injury & restore feeling to his legs, which, first of all–yeah, right. because that’s how spinal surgery works, they’re just always perfecting their techniques so that paraplegics can suddenly walk again, no problemo. but whatever. i care less about that than i do about how disrespectful & unprofessional jack was when john refused the surgery. i fail to comprehend how jack knowing HOW john was hurt a) is any of jack’s business, & b) would help him understand why john refused the surgery. i mean, supposedly, according to the writers, it did: john is punishing himself. because the only reason anyone in a wheelchair would ever turn down a surgery that could “fix” them (again with the whole disability = broken = bad trope) is if they were doing penance for something. fuck you, jack, & fuck you, “lost” writers.

& one more thing about the writers of “lost”: they claimed that they allowed certain events to unfold in last week’s episode in order to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the smoke monster is a bad guy, an antagonist. they claimed that they have been developing his character all season to be awash in moral ambiguity. maybe he’s a good guy! maybe he really is trying to help the lostaways escape from the island! maybe everything widmore & jacob have said is total bullshit! etc. but with the finale looming, they had to draw lines in the sand & erase the ambiguity. which means either a) they have pretty much no regard for the audience. did anyone really think the smoke monster was just misunderstood & was actually a good guy all along? way to treat us like we’re stupid & didn’t notice all the people that the smoke monster brutally killed for absolutely no reason. or b) the writers think way too highly of their own abilities. all of their attempts at creating “moral ambiguity” were pretty fucking transparent (& frustrating–would it kill them to actually move the plot forward rather than splashing around in these pointless little eddies of mind-fuckery?) to me.

considering some of the other crap we have been forced to swallow by this show, i think it’s a little from column A, a little from column B, so i am becoming concerned that the series finale is going to really, really suck. other instances where the writers have dropped the ball: 1) killing libby before explaining why she was in the mental institution. i mean, why show her as this big cliffhanger on the hurley hearts libby episode if you’re never going to go anywhere with it? it could even be something as simple as her saying, “my husband died & i was really depressed, so i checked myself into a mental institution.” problem solved. 2) building up the annie character a few seasons back as a love interest for ben & then going nowhere with it. why waste our time? 3) nikki & paolo. enough said. 4) during “the incident,” jack drops a bomb down a really, really deep hole, & then a bunch of metal gets sucked in, & then juliet gets sucked in, but somehow she lands next to the bomb & not on top of a bunch of metal that should have buried the bomb. also, she lives. & all the metal that got sucked into the hole got caught on the walls & didn’t crush her. & somehow sawyer was able to climb all the way down there & all the way up again. what? 5) kate pleas down to ten years probation on a FIRST-DEGREE MURDER charge just because one witness opts not to testify against her. if the prosecution’s case was so remarkably piss-poor that they needed one witness to say that kate confessed to the crime (what, no forensic evidence to fall back upon? how does one witness’s statement even count as evidence with nothing to back it up?), how are they siccing a federal marshal on her? 6) a federal marshal tracked kate down & arrested her in australia…where he had no legal recourse to do so. part of being a FEDERAL marshal is that you can only arrest people in the country where you work. 7) how did kate even get on the ajira flight if she was on probation & not supposed to leave the state? wouldn’t she have been on a no-fly list of some sort? 8 ) did cassidy, sawyer’s baby mama, re-locate to california? because kate was also breaking probation by visiting her if she lived in new mexico. 9) what was up with all the build-up with walt in the first season, which went absolutely nowhere? ben said, “we got more than we expected with him.” is that ever going to be explained? 10) daniel faraday was born in 1977 or 1978, making him 19 years old when desmond visited him when he was flashing through time (1996). he was a professor at queen’s college by then. what is this, some kind of doogie howser bullshit? how the FUCK is he a PROFESSOR at age 19?

i could go on. but i think this makes clear that either the writers of “lost” assume their audience is a bunch of morons, or they are way too self-satisfied with their own abilities. & scene.

Published by Ciara

Ciara Xyerra wrote zines for the better part of two decades. She has a brilliant & adorable preschooler named Ramona & sews as much as she possibly can. She lives in Lawrence, Kansas with her boyfriend. She enjoys catching up on "The New Yorker", meatball subs, keeping it cranky, intersectional post-third wave feminism, dinosaurs, & monsters. If you have nothing nice to say, she recommends that you come sit here by her, so you can say not-nice things together.

4 thoughts on “in which i hulk out about “lost”

  1. I am totally sad! After watching last week’s ep my initial thought was I can’t wait to read Ciara’s recap of this shit!

    1. sorry, dude! i barely even remember the show at this point. i remember the hobbit hole challenge was ridiculous, angelea wa sstank about krista winning, & of course the photo shoot sucked because tyra was the photographer. i remember tyra wore yet another jumpsuit, both to the photo shoot, & a different one to panel. i remember thinking she must have lost a bet at some point. i remember thinking the photos sucked & realizing that that was due to the fact that tyra is not actually a very good photographer. i remember the ad for air new zealand, with miss j. doing the voice-over, & being horrified at his lack of voice-over ability. oh, & i guess i remember jessica burning down the kitchen with her taco shells.

  2. I am LOLing at your Lost rage, because it’s so true! I cannot think too hard about the show because it just pisses me off with all of the loose ends and dangling storylines. And I don’t even bother with the philosophical analysis that is so popular all over the internets. Just seems like a lot of pointless mindwankery to me.

    What am I saying is that I like Lost for the pretty, shirtless men. (And I am pretending I don’t know anything bad about Henry Ian Cusick or Naveen Andrews.)

    re: the moral ambiguity of the Smoke Monster – I never saw any ambiguity about the Smoke Monster. I did, however, think Jacob’s character was called into question, because he is presented as the Good half of the equation (which, btw, white = good? Black = evil? Really, Lost writers? REALLY?) when really he is super-manipulative and uses the candidates as pawns in his dumb little chess game with Smoke Monster. As far as I am concerned, both Jacob and the Smoke Monster can suck it.

    1. i feel like i am fine with never getting answers about certain things, or getting answers that aren’t necessarily 100% satisfying. for example, michael tells hurley that the whispers they hear in the jungle are the chattering spirits of dead people trapped on the island. but ben told rousseau to run away every time she heard whispers if she wanted the others to take care of alex/not kill her, indicating that the whispers were connected to the others. so…? seriously, WTF?

      a recapper for television without pity put it best when he said that he was extremely reluctant to suspend his disbelief on the big things when the show can’t even get the little things right. i mean, i was enraged from the get-go that one of 815’s survivors was a woman who was eight months pregnant. yes, pregnant women can & do fly on airplanes in their third trimesters. but it’s definitely not recommended & it stretches credulity to the breaking point to ask us to believe that she’d survive a plane crash without going into labor. the entire reason why pregnant women aren’t supposed to fly is because the changes in air pressure can break their water.

      there are just so many moments where, if you stop & think for even two minutes, you’re like, “wait, WHY did they just do that? this makes no fucking sense!” remember when sayid was in love with shannon? what the FUCK was that about? i mean, i know how it came about in the writing room & everything, but sayid was building up to this big back story with his unceasing love for nadia–the entire reason he was traveling to L.A. in the first place! but then when he gets stuck on the island, he’s just like, “okay, i’ll pledge eternal love to this substanceless character that everyone hates instead. sure.” & as soon as she died, he forgot all about her & went back to being in love with nadia.

      i could go on & on about this, but…whatever. it just bugs me to picture the writers rubbing their hands together & thinking they’re so clever. i guess they’re clever for having written this runaway super-hit of a TV show, i don’t know. i agree with you about jacob. i haven’t seen last night’s episode yet, i understand it provides some more back story on jacob & the smoke monster, so maybe that will help explain why i shouldn’t think jacob bringing all these yahoos to the island wasn’t a totally fucked up thing to do. or why i should just roll with it.

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