i haven’t updated in forever! well, almost two weeks. i don’t have any good excuses, but i guess i’ll try to do better. i’m not quite ready to fade away into obscurity. a fantastic five list of what’s been going on:
1) the main thing that has been distracting me from writing or doing much of anything productive has been “lost”. my curiosity was piqued when everyone started flipping out about the last season premiere some weeks back. it’s been many years since i owned a TV, & i have only recently discovered that you can watch TV on the internet (& not just when people upload copyrighted material to youtube), so i’d never seen “lost” before. we decided to watch the pilot & see what all the fuss was about, &…well…i don’t run a zine distro anymore, i have nothing to do but sit around & pop ibuprofen, so i decided to watch the whole thing. like, the whole series. i just started season six. i should be all caught up by tomorrow, maybe.
although it has certainly held my attention, it’s not exactly the best TV show ever. there are so many loose ends, i’m not sure how the writers can realistically wrap them all up in just one more season, but…we’ll see. one of the recappers at televisionwithoutpity.com said that they were happy to suspend their disbelief when it comes to the big stuff (smoke monsters, magical islands that cure terminal cancer & paralysis caused by crushed spines, electromagnetic anomalies that can cause plane crashes, etc), but the show needs to not treat us like we’re stupid on the little things. like the whole entire episode early in season one where jack & sayid torture sawyer to get him to give up the refills of shannon’s asthma inhaler because she’s in the caves fighting for her life. the fact that the island cured john locke’s paralysis was established in the FIRST EPISODE, but i guess the island’s magical healing properties doesn’t extend to asthma?…sure.
i could probably write a full 5000 words about this, but…i’ll save it. for now.
2) i have been taking lots of ibuprofen to deal with some sort of really bad arthritis flare-up. i saw a rheumatologist last month, who ran a bunch of tests related to determining if i have rheumatoid arthritis. all the tests came back negative/inconclusive, but i have every symptom. turns out, rheumatoid arthritis isn’t just a more severe version of osteoarthritis, as i had always believed (for some dumb reason). it’s actually a completely separate disease, with a whole different diagnostic criteria, fairly radically different symptoms, different treatment methods, etc. some people don’t think it should be called rheumatoid arthritis at all, because it’s actually an immune disease that may be caused by a virus (that cannot be killed in any way that science is aware of) & doesn’t actually affect joints in the traditional arthritis way at all. & those are the symptoms i have, & they are the symptoms i have always had, since i was like 17. but who knows, because the labs didn’t back me up.
but the rheumatologist has apparently still decided to treat me as a low-budget rheumatoid patient. she wants me to enroll in a water aerobics class. i don’t know if i will actually do that. she also wants me to take two iburpofens, three times a day, every day, indefinitely. that is a lot of fucking ibuprofen! & over time, ibuprofen can make your digestive tract bleed. hope you’re not reading this over breakfast (when i read my blog roll). so i’m just kind of ignoring her & taking ibuprofen when i have a lot of pain & just doing my own thing. but it’s been pretty tough. my hands & feet have gotten really bad in the last six months. my zine correspondents will recall that i am somewhat well-known for having very small, precise handwriting. that’s pretty much gone to shit. my handwriting is still a million times nicer than jared’s, but it pains me to see how it has changed. it is often difficult to button my coat, hold utensils when i’m eating, turn keys in locks, hold on to a book or magazine when i’m reading, etc. & with my feet, sometimes it’s even hard to walk.
at some point, i am going to have to think more about disability & what all of this means, but…i can’t really be bothered at the moment. i’m just trying to get from one day to the next with as little pain & as much mobility as i can muster.
3) i have felt disinclined to write here much because i am going through another spell of wanting to be very private…partially because i don’t kid myself that i am leading an action-packed life of adventure in the first place. but partially because sometimes i feel very private. i think my default mode for pretty much everything comes from a place of critical thinking & asking hard questions, &…well, it’s not easy to be that kind of person. people tend to not like you very much. good thing i have never really cared about being liked. (my social philosophy, ever since i was a little kid, was that you really only need one or two close friends who have your back, & you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning, & if you have that, everyone else can go fuck themselves. it’s not as nihilistic as it seems, i swear.)
i have been thinking about a lot of stuff, like, for example, the question of support & what that really means in a realistic world where we’re being honest about terms like “community”. i have been thinking about it a bit in terms of my own personal disability issues & the fact that i am obviously not at the point where i require any kind of outside care, in the form of a hired aide or anything, but there are still a lot of everyday things that are really difficult for me, & with which i could use assistance. & i’ve been thinking about what this means for me emotionally, as a person who has always been incredibly independent (like, to a fault, maybe), & personally, as someone who really doesn’t have too many close friends in her town of residence. & i’ve been thinking about my relationships with close out of town friends & how/if i emotionally support them. & i’ve been thinking about political support, in light of the fact that so much political activism i hear about these days (in the anarchist scene, anyway) seems like so much pissing into the wind, but maybe i’m an asshole for saying that when i’m not doing much besides popping painkillers & watching “lost”.
so i’ve been feeling private, because i am thinking about a lot & not coming up with too many happy shiny conclusions. & so much of what i am thinking about is directly related to how i want to relate to other people, what i expect from other people, & what i feel i can offer other people. somewhat confusing, eh?
4) i have occasionally considered trying to get some of these thoughts down on paper, spin them into something halfways coherent, & put together a new zine. i guess that would be “love letter to monsters” #3. sometimes i feel motivated & energized by the idea, but more often, i feel frustrated & shitty. i have really been trying not to say this, because it has always sounded like bullshit to me when other people have said it, but…the zine scene has really changed. for the worse, in a lot of ways. one of my zine distro friends was complaining recently about having to remind people that she does not accept PDFs for distro consideration. she said that this is a relatively recent problem & never used to happen a few years ago. part of the reason i shut down paper trail was because i felt like people wanted to get their zines into distros less for the distribution aspect & more for the weird ego gratification/accomplishment aspect. it’s not actually something that i can necessarily put into words, but it makes me uncomfortable.
i ordered a little pile of zines from another friend’s zine distro a few weeks ago, & i really enjoyed reading them. i definitely still like zines & there are plenty of zines out there that i still like a lot (& not just ones written by people i already know). but i think running the distro kind of soured me on the medium in certain ways, because i had to pay so much attention to the business side of things, & see people at their worst (dealing with money/a commodity market). i became detached from the magic of zines, the creative side of actually making zines, & the excitement of reading great zines & becoming friends with the people who make them, without thinking about writing down their contact info so you know where to send the checks.
eventually, i will probably make another zine. & i’ll send it around for distro consideration. but i’ll probably also just send copies & letters to people who write zines i like, without worrying about all the politics & drama & bullshit of the “scene”.
some of this relates to a “bad” (i guess) review i got last month. it was a pretty harsh review, but almost comical in the sense of how far the person who write it missed the mark. last semester, jared wrote a paper for school on wild turkey conservation efforts in missouri during the twentieth century. i told him that the review i got was akin to someone reading his 25-page paper & concluding, “this paper sucks because jared wants to kill turkeys.” i don’t mind people critiquing or disagreeing with my ideas, or offering editorial feedback, or whatever. i am willing to listen. that’s what “dialectical learning” (which is something i wrote about in my last zine) is all about, & it’s something that still interests me a great deal. but there’s not much i can learn from someone who willfully misrepresents & obfuscates what i have actually written! while it is perhaps a lesson in making my points more plain next time (i’ll make an effort), i don’t really think i have a reputation for being especially subtle or inscrutable in my opinions. i refuse to make myself so plain that it’s as if i am writing for dullards, because i like to think that most people who read my zines are not dullards.
5) this is so stupid & embarrassing to admit, but…i always feel like my life will be a little better if i move. not necessarily to a new town, but i feel like i am always looking for my dream home, the apartment that i will love to be in, where suddenly my hands won’t hurt & i’ll write all day & i’ll always keep it clean & dinner will always be perfect & i’ll get eight hours of sleep every single night & i will never argue with anyone. i really have no issue with the apartment i am in right now. it’s on the small side, to be sure, but we realized we don’t need that much space. sometimes i feel like it’s too dark, but i could remedy that by leaving the shutters open more often. it would be nice to have a kitchen with room for a table, & a bathtub, but we get by without those things & it’s not really a problem. & there are things i like a lot about this apartment–fairly high ceilings, tons of storage space, cheap rent, cheap utilities, surprisingly quiet for the neighborhood…so why am i always perusing apartment listings, looking for something “better”? i don’t even know what “better” would really mean.
i’m kind of hoping that we can move into the apartment upstairs in the fall. it’s the whole floor, so we won’t have to share a wall with a dude who seems to have some weird phlegm/vomiting issue, & who SCREAMS at his TV during KU basketball games. & it has space for a kitchen table, & a bathtub, & windows on all four walls, i think. it’s more expensive, & i don’t know what the storage options are like, but…do i really need an entire steamer trunk full of craft supplies i haven’t touched in at least five years anyway?